


Missing Pieces

by TheSprout



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Attempt at Humor, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Married Life, Memory Loss, Recovered Memories, Recovery, So Married, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:15:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 31,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28415232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSprout/pseuds/TheSprout
Summary: Victor doesn’t remember anything after the Grand Prix Final in Sochi in 2015. He refuses to accept that in the past three years he abandoned his successful career and got married to someone he doesn’t even know.He soon realizes that his new life doesn’t make any sense without Yuuri Katsuki. He decides to give him a chance, and give happiness a try. With Yuuri’s patience and support, Victor slowly remembers how he fell in love, one day, one memory, one kiss at a time.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 79
Kudos: 550





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> I started this fic ages ago because of a bingo prompt and it became a bit bigger than I expected... The first chapter is a bit angsty but the other ones are lighter, it's a lot of domestic fluff and just them being together, I can never stray far from domesticity...
> 
> This long chapter was beta-ed by [Ashke50](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashke50/pseuds/Ashke50) and [Tutti](https://twitter.com/tutti_writes?s=09) [(Tutti's ao3)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tutti_writes/pseuds/Tutti_writes), thanks a lot to them for taking the time. <3
> 
> I hope you enjoy!
> 
> -TheSprout

“Can you tell me your full name?”

“Victor Ilitch Nikiforov.”

“What do you do in life?”

“I’m a figure skater.”

“How old are you?”

“26.”

“What year is this?”

“2015.”

***

  
  


It all goes very fast. Victor’s blade catches a dent when he lands a jump during practice. He falls backward. The back of his head hits the ice. The scene happens in a second and yet in Yuuri’s brain it lasts forever.

Victor is still unconscious when he is taken into the ambulance. Yuuri sits in the waiting room of the E.R. for four excruciating hours. The sound of Victor's skull hitting the ice haunts him. He cannot think about anything else but this split second where he looked at Victor and saw him falling. He waits, but it feels like time has stopped.

Finally someone comes to get him. A man in a white lab coat makes him sit at a large desk. He explains that his husband has a hairline fracture of the skull. He calls it a traumatic brain injury. Yuuri nods politely. He says that they did a lot of tests and that it's the reason why Yuuri had to wait for so long. According to him the scans revealed a minor trauma but the tests showed that Victor has no language or motricity problem. His injury is mostly superficial and he should get away with just headaches and dizziness while he recovers. Yuuri has a small smile at the news. He cannot wait to see Victor.

“However…” the doctor says before he clears his throat and looks at Yuuri again, “your husband seems to have... memory issues. We need to study his condition a bit more to have a more accurate diagnosis, but it looks like retrograde amnesia. He doesn’t remember what happened for a period of time before his accident.”

Yuuri blinks. It would not be surprising for Victor to be a bit shaken after such a hit on the head. He should be fine even if he doesn’t quite remember the circumstances of his accident or the few hours before it.

“We don’t really know how much he remembers exactly,” the doctor resumes, “but he doesn’t seem to remember the past three or four years or so.”

Yuuri’s heart skips a beat. He must have heard it wrong.

“Three or four... years?” he repeats.

“He could remember random things in between, but yes… As far as we know, he thinks it’s 2015.”

Yuuri’s whole body freezes. His stomach turns. Why didn’t the doctor start with this information instead of telling him for ten minutes that Victor was fine? 2015 seems so far away, so many things have happened in the past 3 years. Yuuri feels panic bloom in his chest just thinking about how many things Victor might have forgotten. 

“Will it- Will it come back?” he asks weakly.

“We cannot tell. We can try to stimulate his memory with photos, stories, sounds, anything, it usually helps with retrograde amnesia, but I cannot guarantee it’ll ever come back completely. He will most likely remember some things, eventually. Other things will be lost forever. Only time will tell.”

Yuuri opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes. He needs to see Victor. He needs to see him, to talk to him, to hear him say that it'll be ok. Surely Victor was just confused when he woke up and he needs a bit of help to get his thoughts into place again.

“So far his condition is fragile and he’s very tired,” the doctor resumes, “we tried not to ask him too many questions or to tell him too many things that would upset him, he’s already overwhelmed by the shortest conversation.”

Yuuri nods again and looks away.

“How long have you known each other?” the doctor asks.

It’s hard to say it out loud. “Three years.”

The doctor's face changes. He understands. 

“I’m sorry.”

Yuuri is allowed to visit Victor. From the very first seconds he can tell that he doesn’t recognize him. Victor watches him walk into the room with questioning eyes. He looks paler than usual, his hair is messy and his eyes distraught. Yuuri wants to touch him and hold him and hug him, tell him how scared he was and how relieved he is to see him awake. He wants to tell him not to worry, that they will go home and that he will take care of him and he will soon feel better. He wants to kiss him and to tell him how much he loves him.

He does none of this. He just stands there, and gives Victor time to look at him.

“Hey,” he says, after long seconds where Victor doesn't show any sign that he knows Yuuri.

There is a silence. Victor is visibly hesitant. “Hi.”

Yuuri walks up to his bed. He refrains from taking Victor’s hand. “How are you feeling?”

Victor’s tone is polite. “I’m good, thank you.”

“I’m glad. I- I was really scared.”

Another silence. Yuuri doesn’t know what to do. Victor keeps looking at him like he expects him to say something. 

“Do you work here?” he asks, after Yuuri has been standing by his bed for a good minute without moving. Yuuri’s heart sinks in his chest. He should have expected this but he was still not ready to see it. He presses his lips very hard not to show his reaction. He remembers the words of the doctor not to assault Victor with too many questions or brutal news. He tries not to look overwhelmed so as not to make Victor panic.

“I don't, I’m just visiting. I wanted to make sure that you were ok.”

“Are you a fan?”

“... Yeah.”

Victor has this big, naive heart-shaped smile that makes Yuuri’s heart hurt. “Thanks for stopping by!” he says happily.

“You really… really don’t know who I am?” Yuuri tries despite himself.

Victor shakes his head slowly. “Sorry, I can’t remember all my fans.”

Yuuri doesn’t have the strength to continue this conversation. He nods. “I’ll see you later, Victor.”

Yakov visits after Yuuri leaves. He spends a long time in Victor’s room. Victor knows him, he trusts him, it’s easier if it’s Yakov who tells him about the past few years. Yuuri waits. When Yakov comes out Yuuri hopes that he will tell him that Victor wants to see him, but Yakov shakes his head. “He’s tired. He doesn’t want to listen to me. The doctor said we should let him rest, it was a lot for today.”

“I know,” Victor says when Yuuri walks into his room again the next morning. He looks slightly better than the day before, some color is back in his cheeks and his hair has been combed. Yuuri raises an eyebrow.

“There was a wedding band in the box with my belongings,” Victor adds. “Yakov told me. That we’re married. You and me.”

“Oh.”

Victor shakes his head. “I have all these pictures of you in my phone... I asked the nurse. She says my record says I’m married.”

Yuuri raises his hand to show his own ring. “Yeah, we’ve been married for almost two years now.”

Victor looks away. His fingers twitch. He struggles to find his words.

“I- I don’t even know your name,” he eventually says, in total disbelief that he is unable to remember the name of his alleged husband.

“Yuuri. Yuuri Katsuki. Katsuki-Nikiforov.”

Victor has a small laugh that Yuuri had never heard before. It’s sharp and ironic, not happy at all. “Yeah right? Apparently I’m also a Katsuki-Nikiforov now…”

Yuuri remains silent. The tone in Victor’s voice, the way he speaks and he moves, nothing is familiar. It’s cold and distant, far from the love and the gentleness he usually shows when he is with Yuuri. 

“I just- It doesn’t make any sense,” Victor says almost for himself. He runs a hand through his hair and sighs.

Yuuri nods. “I know it sounds crazy, but-”

“How did we even meet? I mean- we live across the world?”

“I know, it’s a long story-”

“Yakov says I dropped out of competition?” Victor cuts in again, and he is visibly deeply distressed just to say it out loud. “Why? Why would I stop when I’m winning everything? And he said I took a full year off !? It- I’d never do that willingly!”

“You needed a break-”

“And so I traveled across the world and met you?”

Now that Victor says it out loud, it’s true that the scenario of their first meeting sounds quite unlikely. Yuuri would have liked to have a better explanation but he just nods. “Erm, yeah.”

Victor sighs. He shakes his head silently before looking up again. “I think I need to rest.”

Yuuri takes the hint and doesn’t insist. Victor’s attitude is so different that Yuuri doesn’t really know how to act around him. He walks to the door.

“My number is in your phone. If you need anything."

Victor needs a while to calm down after a stranger confirmed that they are married, and have been for almost two years. He cannot believe that he forgot about such important life decisions, and he cannot shake off the idea that the whole thing sounds like a scam. He has won the last five world championships, there could be someone who wants to stop this winning streak. But why would Yakov take part in this? Especially lately, the beginning of the season was difficult, his motivation and his form weren’t always as high as they used to be, he knew he had to work twice as hard to stay at the top, it didn't make any sense to suddenly take a gap year. The idea that he is retired is honestly terrifying. What is he supposed to do now if he doesn’t skate anymore? He doesn't know anything else.

That night Victor cannot sleep. His room at the hospital is cold and gloomy, the bed is hard, his head hurts. He takes his phone from the nightstand. He still cannot believe the date that tells him it’s September 2018. He opens the messages that he exchanged with his husband before his accident. He scrolls up. He doesn’t remember sending any of these. It’s not like him to be so mushy and to use so many heart emojis. It’s horribly domestic.

“Can you please buy bread on your way back from the rink tonight?” 

“Thinking about you <3” 

“My mom called she says it’s ok for this summer” 

“I took Makkachin out to the park I’ll be home soon” 

“I love you <3”

Victor cannot stop staring at these messages that he doesn’t remember typing. The frustration of not being able to know when, where, or why he sent these makes his headache worse. He closes the phone but he cannot sleep until the early morning.

  
  


Yuuri visits again the next day. He brings Victor several changes of clothes and his toiletry bag to make his hospital stay more comfortable. He tries to follow the doctor’s advice to stimulate Victor’s memory and shows him pictures on his phone. Victor doesn’t recognize his belongings and the pictures don’t wake any memory. Yuuri is disappointed but he understands that Victor will need time and support to recover. He talks with the doctors for long hours to try and find the best ways to help him. He is convinced that it’s just a matter of days before Victor recognizes him again, he only needs to rest a bit more.

Every day that follows, Yuuri comes to the hospital to spend a few hours with Victor. He tells him about their relationship, shows him photos, brings items from their apartment. He makes him listen to songs they have skated to and the ones they like to listen to together. He chooses special pictures that he knows he and Victor really love and that he is sure will trigger his memory. He tells him about anecdotes in their married life that Victor simply cannot have completely forgotten. He is confident that Victor will soon remember their relationship. He holds onto the doctors’ words that most people with retrograde amnesia recover when they get help finding their memories back. Every day he thinks it will be the right day, the day Victor will remember him when he walks into the room. 

But the days pass and Yuuri’s visits at the hospital do not bring the results he expected. Victor does not remember a thing. He listens to Yuuri and looks at the pictures but he can only shrug and apologize as he tells Yuuri that he has no recollection of these scenes. Several times Yuuri thinks Victor remembers something but Victor is just smiling to be polite. It is a special kind of torture for Yuuri to talk to his husband about their relationship and watch him shake his head as he doesn’t remember a single minute of the time they shared together. 

What makes it even harder for Yuuri however, is that Victor remains coldly distant and gives him very little attention. After several visits he still treats him like a stranger, and the pain in Yuuri's heart gets deeper. Victor asks very few questions, mostly about himself and his life, about the medals he won and the records he broke during the years he forgot. Yuuri briefly catches his interest when he confesses that he has been a fan of him for years. Victor offers to sign him an autograph. Yuuri declines. 

Victor also grows tired of Yuuri’s visits. Instead of helping his memory and making him recover, Yuuri’s stories only make him painfully aware of the giant void in his brain. Victor thought there was not that much that he had forgotten, surely three years couldn’t have brought too much change in his life, and yet Yuuri keeps bringing up important things that he should remember and that he doesn’t. Every time Yuuri says something, he looks at Victor hoping to see a spark in his eyes, a smile, a sign that shows that he remembers, but Victor can only look down and shake his head, and Yuuri’s shoulders fall in disappointment. 

The pressure to get better and to be someone he is not stresses him and worsens the exhaustion and the headaches he has had since the accident. Soon he becomes ashamed of his problem: he never knows how to act around people because he doesn’t know if they have met before, he cannot follow a normal conversation because he has no idea what people are talking about, he doesn’t recognize himself in the choices he has made in the past few years that brought him where he is. No matter how much he tries to catch up it seems that his memory is a bottomless pit, and every time Yuuri comes the pit seems deeper and wider and Victor is falling into it headfirst. He comes to dread Yuuri’s visits, knowing that they will only bring him stress and anxiety. 

One afternoon Yuuri visits but Victor barely says a word. He hardly even looks at the photo Yuuri is showing him. Yuuri has to gather all his strength not to break down in tears. 

“Please just… just try to focus?” he asks when Victor is absolutely not responsive. “Just for a moment. Just look at the picture, I’m sure you remember this.”

Victor poorly represses a sigh. “I am focusing, I can’t remember on command, I’m sorry.”

“Just try!”

“I am trying! If I could remember everything I would!”

Yuuri pulls back and slumps on his chair. “I’m sorry,” he says after a pause. “You don’t remember but… I’m in this in sickness and in health and for better or for worse, and maybe it feels like the worse but I love you anyway. I can’t force you to love me back, but I love you.”

After three weeks and not even the shadow of an encouraging sign, the doctors start talking about what could be permanent memory damages, and Yuuri’s heart crumbles at the thought. 

“It’s possible that the change of career and way of life that he made three years ago when he moved to Japan remained a key point in his memory and now he has forgotten everything since that last big event," the doctor explains. 

Yuuri refuses to even think about it. “Maybe if we just find the right thing he will remember?”

“Could be. But the more time passes the more likely he is to simply create new memories and try to move on.”

Soon Victor’s skull injury is almost completely healed and he has recovered his strength. He still gets headaches and dizzy spells when he pushes himself too much but he doesn't need constant supervision anymore. He is cleared by his doctors to leave the hospital at the end of the week when all his last tests are done. And he is quite eager to go home. He is tired of lying on his bed and feeling so helpless. He doesn’t want to look at pictures of himself like he is going through a stranger’s album anymore, he doesn’t want to hear funny anecdotes about his husband that don’t even make him smile. He wants to take a hold of things and stop listening passively to a life he barely believes has existed. He hopes to go back to the rink as soon as possible. He needs to get back on track and make it to the Russian nationals at the end of the year.

He has a last visit with his psychologist before being discharged and he cannot wait to be done with it. He hates these sessions that do not help him progress whatsoever and consist of paying someone to ask him about his day. He only tries to comply to be released as soon as possible.

“How are you doing, Victor?” the woman asks when he sits in the chair in front of her. 

He flashes her his press conference smile. "I'm good, I'm still a bit tired but other than that, I'm alright." 

The psychologist looks at him silently as if she expected something more but Victor still smiles politely without a word. 

“How is your recovery going?” she asks. “How do you feel about the things you’ve been told, the things you don’t remember?”

Victor shrugs. “It’s fine. I don’t really mind. I can make do.”

“Nothing that stresses you or disturbs you?”

Victor shakes his head. “No.”

There is a silence while the doctor scribbles in Victor’s medical file. She doesn’t look happy despite Victor’s best efforts to look convincing.

"I think I’d like to see you again for a few more sessions after you leave the hospital Mr. Nikiforov. If it’s alright with you." 

"What? Why? I feel good!"

"I'm sure you do. It's just to follow your progress.”

Yuuri has been told by the doctors that Victor would be out soon and he is excited to visit him that day. It’s only when he walks into his room and Victor looks even more upset than usual that Yuuri feels that something is wrong.

“We need to talk,” Victor says when Yuuri takes off his coat and sits in his usual chair by Victor’s bed. So far Yuuri has tried to ignore Victor’s bad grace during his visits. He doesn’t want to acknowledge that Victor isn’t very interested in recovering the memories they share together. Self-preservation maybe.

“I appreciate what you’re trying to do,” Victor says, “I really do, but it’s not working.”

Yuuri shakes his head. “It’s ok, the doctors say it can take time, we just need to find the right things to trigger your memory. I’m sure when you get home it’ll be easier.”

“No I think-”

“I brought food today!” Yuuri says hastily as he takes a plastic box out of his bag and opens it. He doesn’t want to hear what Victor has to say. He doesn’t want to give up so soon.

Victor frowns. “I’ve had piroshkis far before my accident.”

“Yeah but not these ones! They are filled with fried pork, eggs, and rice. Yuri made them for us!”

Instead of looking excited, Victor sighs and pushes the box aside.

“Listen, I’m sorry,” he says. “You’re cute and you look like a good person but this is not going anywhere. I… I don’t really… understand how we got married. Honestly I don’t really think you’re my type.”

This time Yuuri doesn’t know what to say. He had not expected Victor to be so different. He had never even considered that Victor might not want to stay with him. Suddenly Yuuri realizes that Victor might leave him and the idea is too big to grasp.

“To be completely frank,” Victor adds when Yuuri doesn’t say anything, “I can’t help but think that if I don’t remember you, maybe our relationship wasn’t that strong and we weren’t meant to be together?”

Yuuri is paralyzed. Victor’s words cut like blades into his chest. It hurts so bad, it must be true. Their love might not have been that important to Victor if his brain just decided to wipe it out clean in a second.

Victor keeps looking at him but Yuuri still doesn’t respond and keeps looking into the void as the situation sinks in. Victor winces. “I’m sorry but just try and put yourself in my place…”

There is no one to put themselves in Yuuri’s place. He just nods and stands up. His fingers are shaking when he feverishly tries to put his things back in his bag and grab his coat. He steps back and stumbles against his chair. He needs to leave.

“I’m sorry,” Victor repeats.

Yuuri shakes his head hastily. “It’s alright."

He has never been less alright. He almost runs through the door.

Yuuri doesn’t go back to the hospital the following day. Nor the day after. After a painful reflection he decides to leave the apartment before Victor comes out of the hospital. The place is still Victor’s, and now that Victor doesn’t know him anymore, he doesn’t want to impose his presence. It was already hard enough to be treated like a stranger in the hospital, Yuuri doesn't want to feel the same in this place that he considers his home. He starts slowly gathering his belongings and considers flying back to Japan.

On the third day Yuri knocks at his door to check on him after not seeing him at the hospital. He finds Yuuri packing his suitcase and putting his things in order. He is leaving a lot of things behind but he doesn't really care. 

“If you leave he’ll never remember anything,” Yuri says blandly.

Yuuri grimaces vaguely. It’s not like he has many other options. “He doesn’t know me, it doesn’t even want to talk to me, I can’t live in his apartment and sleep in his bed.”

“Just sleep on the couch for a while. It’ll come back.”

Yuuri shrugs slowly. It’s not that easy. He avoids Yuri’s gaze. “I have nothing left here - I don’t even have a coach anymore.”

“Yakov can coach you until Victor remembers.”

“What if he never remembers?” Yuuri blurts. 

“What if he remembers and he realizes that you gave up on your marriage after only a few weeks?”

Yuuri clenches his teeth. Maybe it’s anger, maybe he is just trying not to cry. Yuri’s attack feels undeserved. “I tried, I showed him pictures, I told him that we are married I-”

“You tried for three weeks!” Yuri shouts, and Yuuri finally straightens and dares to look at him in the eyes. “Three weeks and you give up? Is that what your marriage is worth? I sat in this fucking ceremony for an hour listening to your stupid vows of love forever and it ends like this? The idiot was already forgetful as fuck before his accident so now of course it’s even worse but now you gotta work for it!”

Yuuri clenches his fists. He doesn’t know if he is more upset or angry to be called out like that. Listening to Yuri it sounds like all he has to do is go talk to Victor, it sounds like it’s easy to face his husband and see that he doesn’t remember anything from their life together, that every precious moment they spent, every breakfast, every kiss, every touch, it’s all gone. He could have exploded in rage against Yuri and instead it’s like his strength leaves him and big tears roll on his cheeks.

“I can’t do it anymore.”

Yuri raises an eyebrow.

“I can’t go and see him and live with him and see that he doesn’t remember me,” Yuuri sobs painfully, “that he doesn’t love me, and hear him tell me that our relationship wasn’t real. It hurts too bad. I’ve had enough.”

Yuri pretends to be reluctant but he lets Yuuri cry on his hoodie when he hugs him. Yuuri wishes Victor would be there to take him in his arms and tell him that things are going to be alright. It makes his tears flow even harder.

Yuri pats his back, awkwardly but still gently. “Wanna sleep at my place tonight? I’ll order pizza.”

That night between two slices of pizza while Yuri is under the shower, Yuuri calls home. He tries to keep it together but hearing his mother's voice makes him realize how lonely he feels, thousand miles away from his family, and virtually that far away from his husband. It's not a minute before he ends up crying again. It’s so hard being alone and knowing that it might never be the same again. Victor is so different, Yuuri can hardly find traces of the man he has married. It’s like the Victor he knows is dead. Sometimes he feels like it’s even worse than if he were dead, because he can see him, he can talk to him, but Victor has moved on.

“I’m sure Victor will get better," Hiroko says," he just needs time.”

Yuuri’s eyes are so swollen with tears that they hurt. “But what if he doesn’t get better?”

“Victor loves you, his brain is hurt but his heart remembers.”

Yuuri sniffles loudly. He wipes his tears with his palm but it only makes a mess on his burning cheeks. “I don’t think he does.”

“He is upset because he is lost… You know how he is when he is upset…”

Yuuri knows. When he is with people he doesn’t know, Victor will go to great lengths to avoid admitting how he is feeling. He will play a role, hide behind a fake smile, he will act like a child and go to hell and back before he opens up and admits what is bothering him. 

“Yuuri… You know you can come back at any time if you need to, but I think you should give Victor a bit more time.”

“I-”

“I know it’s hard. But I’m sure it’s worth giving him another chance.”

Yuuri agrees to wait a little bit before deciding to stay or fly back to Japan, mostly because he doesn't have the strength to make a decision anyway. He settles in Yuri’s studio, on the couch. It’s small and not ideal but it’s a temporary solution and he doesn’t have the heart or the energy to find a hotel room. Being without Victor leaves him like an empty shell and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. During the day he is like the ghost of himself and at night he sobs that Victor might never come back to hug him to sleep. 

Victor is discharged from the hospital the next day. He is relieved to come home: he still lives in the same apartment, Makkachin is waiting for him, he finally finds things that he remembers and that feel familiar. He cannot wait to have some quiet time alone after his hospital stay, where everyone was trying to tell him that he was not who he thought he was and constantly pushing him into a life he didn’t want. 

He pretends not to notice all the little things that have changed in his apartment. A new couch. A new TV. He turns it on. He looks for the remote and grumbles when he cannot find it in the usual spot. He gets hungry. He opens a kitchen cabinet. He doesn’t recognize half of the things inside. There are half a dozen bottles of Asian sauces with labels that he cannot read. He fumbles in the back and finds something that looks like dried seaweed. There is a rice cooker plugged on the countertop. He doesn’t even know how to use a rice cooker. He orders food. 

The more he looks around, the worse it gets. There are trinkets on his shelves that he doesn’t recognize. He doesn’t remember where or when he got them. In the bedroom he stumbles on a pair of skates that are far too small for him. It’s a brand he doesn’t know. Two toothbrushes are in a glass on the sink in the bathroom. He double takes at his reflection in the mirror. His hair is just slightly shorter than usual. His abs are less sharp than they were, his waist is slightly thicker. He makes a mental note to watch his diet and wonders bitterly how he let himself go like that. 

There is underwear that doesn't belong to him in the laundry basket. On the bed he finds a T-shirt that is too small for him. Without thinking, he brings it up under his nose to smell it. The smell is soft and sweet. He smells it again. It feels strangely comforting.

It doesn’t feel like he is at home. It feels like he is living in someone else’s place. He thought going back home would make him feel better but it’s actually worse. Seeing that he doesn’t know his way in his own apartment makes his problem even more obvious to him. After only a few hours being home he wants to scream in frustration when he knocks his hip against a piece of furniture that wasn’t there three years earlier or when he finds a Japanese magazine on his nightstand and his brain cannot find any reasonable scenario to explain how it arrived there.

That night when he goes to bed, his sheets don’t smell like usual. It’s a new laundry detergent. Makkachin climbs next to him on the mattress, sniffs the other pillow and whines. She lies down on the empty side of the bed and gives Victor her sad puppy eyes. Now it feels like even his dog is telling him that something is wrong. 

He opens his laptop to try and take his mind off things before sleep. He blesses himself that he has not changed his password in 3 years. New folders catch his eyes on the desktop. There are several dozen gigas of photos from the past three years. He hesitates for a second but curiosity wins and he opens one of the oldest ones. It feels different to go through the photos by himself, alone, when the doctors or his husband are not over his shoulder, staring at him in hope of seeing his eyes light up and his memory come back suddenly, triggered by a picture of a dog or a day at the beach. He lies back in his pillows and keeps going through the folders. He looks at pictures from 2015. This he remembers. He remembers the beginning of the season, his programs, his assignments. As he advances in the photos he remembers less and less. He doesn’t recognize the faces. He sees himself in situations he cannot recall. He stops on a picture of a Japanese airport. He doesn’t remember traveling to Japan that year. He goes back in the pictures. He remembers the Grand Prix Final but not the banquet. Anything after the podium of the final is a blurr.

He starts looking at these pictures that he doesn’t know. He skips through full albums that could be someone else’s. Sometimes he even wonders if he was not just photoshopped into these pictures. It’s a never ending flow of casual photos, at home, outside, at the rink, while traveling abroad. There are pictures of himself, of his husband, of Makkachin. They look happy. 

The night is well advanced when he sees a folder called “Wedding”. 4847 pictures. He opens it. An out of focus picture of a flower arrangement. A group of people he doesn’t know. A series of pictures of table decorations at a luxury venue. Himself, wearing a tuxedo and talking to Yakov over a glass of champagne. A picture of his husband, smiling. His cheeks are pink and his eyes sparkle. His suit is slightly untidy but he still looks very handsome. Victor wonders how he didn’t notice how good looking he was while at the hospital. To be fair, he has barely even looked at him in the eyes. He presses the arrow on his keyboard. A picture of Chris standing up and holding a microphone and a piece of paper as he reads a speech. A blurry picture of a couple dancing. A neat picture of the same couple. It’s them, in each other’s arms, turning slowly. Victor keeps looking at the pictures one after the other and the void in his brain feels overwhelming. All these pictures of himself without being able to recall anything about them is too much. All the stress from the past few weeks crushes him. His sight gets blurry as his eyes fill with tears. Makkachin comes to lick his face. He hugs her. 

How is it possible to live all of this and not remember anything? Every time he looks around, every time he talks to someone, every time he sees a picture, the void in his mind seems bigger. It is like he didn’t miss three years of his life but twenty. How did he become such a different person in such a short amount of time? How did he change career, meet someone and get married so quickly when he had been a workaholic bachelor for 25 years? It feels like everything has slipped out of his mind like sand through his fingers. He has never felt so helpless. 

He keeps looking at more pictures. He finds another photo of his husband. Another one. Another one. 20 pictures of him in a row. He cries into Makkachin’s fur.

  
  


The next morning in Yuri’s studio, Yuuri is woken up by his ringtone. His eyes are swollen and his head hurts. He struggles to find his phone in the cushions of the couch and squints at the screen to read it without his glasses. He frowns. Chris hardly ever calls him. They are friends but Chris usually mostly talks with Victor. He slides the green button to pick up the call.

“Yuuri?”

“Yeah?” 

“How are you?”

“Good. You?”

“I called Victor.”

Yuuri pauses. “Ah.”

“I wanted to know how he was, I heard he was out of the hospital.”

“Yeah, he just went home yesterday.”

“He seemed… different. I thought I’d call you, maybe he was still a bit tired.”

“Yeah.”

There is a silence. Yuuri cannot find the right words. He doesn't know where to start. His throat is so tight it hurts. 

“Are you ok?” Chris asks.

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“It... It’s complicated.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know if he told you but Victor hit his head pretty hard and he has amnesia…”

“Yeah, he said he doesn’t remember everything. He said he was mostly fine though.”

Yuuri’s heart is already in tiny pieces but hearing that Victor considers that he is fine makes him feel even worse. “He doesn’t remember anything between 2015 and his accident,” Yuuri says bluntly. “He didn’t know he was married, he doesn’t know who I am.”

Another long blank on the line.

“But it’ll come back, right?” Chris asks. “He will remember, won’t he?”

Yuuri takes a deep breath to steady his voice. “It’s not looking good. He… isn’t very cooperative. I moved out of the apartment.”

“Yuuri, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.”

“If you need anything...”

He needs Victor back.

“Thanks.”

  
  


The following days Victor wanders in his apartment like a lost soul. He cannot find where he stores the toilet paper, he doesn’t know the password to the streaming service on his TV, he gets positively upset wondering if the items on his shelves belong to him or if his husband left them there while moving out. 

Back home he scrolls the internet and tries to piece things together, tries to make a timeline of the years he doesn’t remember. The competitions he won, the ones he lost. He finds a few articles about the championships, but his name is almost always attached to Yuuri's in the headlines. An article announces his trip to Japan in March 2016. “Victor Nikiforov becomes a coach!” “Victor Nikiforov’s skater takes silver at the Grand Prix Final!” “Victor Nikiforov : Engaged?” “Victor Nikiforov & Yuuri Katsuki: The Wedding of the Year”. He reads so much about this Victor Nikiforov that he forgets that he is reading about himself. It means nothing to him.

In an effort to make his life feel normal again, Victor grabs what looks like his current pair of skates and heads out to the rink. He doesn't even reach the locker room before Yakov stops him. 

"Katsuki said the hospital has not cleared you to skate again yet.”

Victor wants to scream. Could he just for one day not hear about this Katsuki who is haunting his apartment and trying to tell him how to live his life? Now he even prevents him from skating, the only thing that was still stable in his life. 

“This is none of his business!” Victor snaps as he tries to walk around Yakov, but Yakov still doesn't let him pass. 

“He’s your husband, your health is his business. I suggest you put a bit of order in your life before you skate again.”

“That’s what I’m trying to do!” Victor argues. “Trying to start again and move on!”

“That’s not how it works! You may not remember the past three years but everybody else does. We cannot all act like these years don't exist to make you feel better. We’re not going to change our lives to make it easier for you!”

Victor flinches. He is having one of the most difficult times in his life, completely lost, alone, and now even Yakov refuses to support him. He almost resents Yuuri Katsuki even more that he managed to turn his lifelong coach against him.

“Can you imagine how I feel?” he moans pitifully. “What it’s like not to know who you are?”

Yakov has seen Victor whine often enough and doesn’t even blink. “Can you imagine what it’s like to be married to someone who doesn’t know who you are? You moved to another country to live with someone and overnight he doesn’t remember you and doesn’t want to make any effort to save your relationship?”

“I made efforts!”

“When?”

“I listened to what he told me when he came to the hospital.”

“Did you really? What did you take from it?”

Victor pauses. To be fair he was busier trying to understand how to get rid of his husband and get back to competition than actually listening to what he had to say. “He is nice?... He skates and he likes dogs.”

“I’ve seen you work hard to get something before Victor, and this is not it," Yakov mumbles in anger. “Katsuki loves you more than you deserve it. No one else will be stupid enough to love you like he does. Especially not with that attitude.”

With that Yakov turns around. Victor watches him leave. He hates that his words ring true. 

And so Victor skates alone during the late hours, when the public is gone and the skaters have left the locker room. His muscles feel tight and his joints stiff. How did he age that much in only three years? After only a short warm up his head turns and the dizziness forces him to take a break. A voice in his head tells him that Katsuki and Yakov were right to tell him to stay off the ice and it makes his frustration worse. He sits on a bench and breathes until his head is clear again. He takes out his phone and looks for videos of his competitions in the past years. There is a video of his husband skating his program. Once again, curiosity gets him to click. Yuuri Katsuki is a bit chubby and the quadruple jumps are triples but somehow Victor cannot take his eyes off the screen. Until the very last note he holds his breath. The way Yuuri dances, the way he spins and turns, the movements of his arms and the expression on his face, everything is captivating. Victor plays the video again when it ends, and a third time afterwards. 

Yakov’s words echo in his mind.

He picks up his things and walks back home.

That night he tries to forget his worries but everything around him still screams that something is not right in his life. He receives notifications in Japanese on his phone. He accidentally knocks a little buddha statue off the chest of drawers and he wonders why he even has a buddha statue. He takes the trash out and the neighbors greet him warmly and wish him to get well soon. He has no idea who they are. Makkachin keeps dragging her paws and looking at him like she’s the saddest dog in the world. Victor cannot shake the feeling that he is responsible for her misery.

He cannot fall asleep before the early hours of the morning. He has not had a proper night of sleep since he came back home. The bed is too big and too cold. He keeps turning and stirring and trying to make sense out of everything. He catches himself hugging a pillow. It has this sweet and soft smell that feels weirdly comforting. Makkachin keeps whining on the other side of the mattress. 

Yuri convinces Yuuri to come and visit Yakov with him, if only to take his mind off things. Yuuri just wants to stay under his blanket and forget about everything. He wishes he could be like Victor and forget they ever even met. Surely it’d be easier. But Yuri insists on making him leave the couch and so there he is, sitting at the kitchen table at Lilia’s and holding a porcelain cup with both of his hands. Yakov brings black tea and dried biscuits that expired before the fall of the USSR, and sits next to them. He sighs and grumbles when Yuri dives a hand into the biscuit box and grabs five at a time.

“Victor came to the rink yesterday,” Yakov says seriously. Yuuri opens his mouth to protest but Yakov cuts him with a sign of the hand.  
"I know. I told him he couldn't skate again yet. He wasn’t happy." 

Yuuri looks at his cup of tea. Victor being forbidden to skate must be the last straw to his misery. Yuuri can’t help but ask for news. A part of him hopes that Victor still thinks about him. “How was he?”

“Not good.”

It was expected but Yuuri still looks down in disappointment.

“He reminds me of how he was… before,” Yakov adds. “When I said that he was selfish and full of himself, I wasn’t making it up. It got better as he grew older, but… he had times where he was… like that. He thought he was always right and wouldn’t listen to anyone. I kept coaching him because he was hard working and I knew he was a good kid inside, but sometimes… sometimes he came really close to the line.”

Yuuri remains silent. It hurts to know that Victor is in such a bad place and he cannot help him. He knows that his attitude is the result of his stress and his loneliness and he wishes he could hug him and relieve him from this pain. For a moment the kitchen is silent and only the sound of Yakov’s spoon against his tea cup fills the void. He clears his throat in a rough cough. “You’re not going to leave him, are you? The kid’s stubborn but he needs you.”

Yuuri looks down. He could stay forever but he has no guarantee it’ll ever help Victor. He doesn’t even know if Victor will agree to see him again.

“If you stay I’ll make you more katsudon piroshki,” Yuri says, and it’s so unexpected that Yuuri can’t help a smile.

“I’ll coach you until Victor is well enough again,” Yakov says, and his voice is grumpy but it gives Yuuri just the little bit of hope that he needs. He nods and takes another sip of tea. Yuri gives him one of his biscuits. Yuuri’s chest feels strangely warm.

Victor, however, feels like he is losing the battle. He has only been home for a week and yet he is already exhausted and giving up. Everything around him, all these things that he cannot figure out, are reminders that he is just pretending that everything is fine. No matter what he does, everything feels wrong in his life, from the moment he wakes up without knowing what he is going to do with his day to the time he goes to sleep at night in his cold empty bed. He tries to skip his psychologist appointment but the hospital harasses him on the phone. He cannot wait to be done with these sessions and yet she keeps adding more appointments everytime she sees him and he doesn’t understand why. 

"I'm good,” he says when he slumps in the chair in front of the psychologist. 

"Are you?"

"No!” Victor blurts angrily. “I'm losing my mind! Literally." 

The psychologist raises her eyebrows and nods with satisfaction. Victor is even more irritated that she seems happy to hear that he is going crazy.

"Did you see your friends again?” she asks. “Your coach? Your husband?" 

"No. They keep trying to tell me what to do, I don’t need them.”

The psychologist loses her smile and scribbles again."We’re going to need more sessions." 

Victor holds back a scream of frustration. 

When he comes home after his appointment that evening it feels like he hits rock bottom. He downs two glasses of some Japanese alcohol that was in his cabinet and plans to drink until he forgets his problems, on top of having forgotten everything else. When his phone rings he is surprised, but relieved to see that it's at least someone he knows. 

"Chris?" 

"I called Yuuri." 

Victor rolls his eyes and refrains a sigh. Katsuki will seriously follow him wherever he goes. "And?" 

"I think you're making a mistake."

Chris is serious and concerned and Victor hates that everyone around him decided to lecture him about his life choices. “Why?”

"I know you pushed him away and he moved out of your apartment.”

Victor is slightly embarrassed that Katsuki reported his behavior to his friend. “So what?”

“Yuuri's probably the best thing that ever happened to you… if you let him go you're going to be miserable again.”

“I'm not miserable.”

"Oh?" 

Chris’ tone is sarcastic and the silence that follows is enough of an answer. Victor looks at the bottle that he was drinking alone and cannot find anything to say to argue.

Chris continues. "It's none of my business-”

“No it's not,” Victor cuts.

“-but you both are my friends and I don't want to let you ruin this just because you’re a stubborn idiot.”

“What-”

“You remember that time in Lausanne when you showed me your new program and you asked me to be honest with you? To be a true friend and tell you frankly if it wasn’t good enough?”

Victor makes a non-committal noise.

“Well I’m being a friend, I’m telling you frankly you’re being an idiot.”

Victor feels ashamed to be scolded this way. He wants to reply but he glances up and sees Makkachin sleeping in the mess that is his apartment, the dirty laundry on the floor, the take-out boxes piling up on the coffee table, and his hospital bag, so carefully prepared by Yuuri and now open and thrown in a corner. It does look like he let himself go. 

It takes him a moment before he manages to swallow his pride, hold back a snappy answer for Chris and his unrequested honesty, and find his voice again.

“You think I was happy? When I was with him? ” he eventually asks. If there is the tiniest chance to get himself out of this lonely misery that he is in, he'll take it.

There is another silence. When he speaks again, Chris’ voice is slow and sincere, like Victor knows he is when the matter is serious. 

“Yeah, I had never seen you happier. I didn’t even know you could be that happy. I thought you winning the Olympics was something, but this was a whole new level. Yuuri… He’s a treasure. I’m still jealous you got him before I could.”

“What were we like?”

“You did everything together. I don’t think I’ve seen you without Yuuri since you met him. And when you were not together you only talked about him.”

Victor looks around the apartment again. After spending days trying to understand everything it suddenly seems that the question he should be asking himself is not what, where, or when, but maybe just who? 

“You think I should try to remember?” Victor asks.

“You have to remember.”

Victor shakes his head. It's easier said than done. Even with all the research he did and the medication he takes, his brain is like a Swiss cheese and he doesn’t manage to fill in the holes. “People tell me all these things,” he says in embarrassment, “but I don’t know who to trust.”

“Trust yourself. Give him a chance.”

“I don’t know how!”

“Just give it a try. Let him help you. I’m pretty sure loving Yuuri is like skating for you, you’re a natural.”

Victor can’t remember what it feels like to be in love with someone. He doesn’t even know if he has ever actually been in love. “But how did I fall in love with him? Did he love me?”

“He still loves you even. Honestly you’re the only one who can tell. But I know that he made you happy. He inspired you. Yuuri... he made you a better person.”

Victor spends the next two days lying on his bed and going through pictures again, this time paying more attention to Yuuri. He hates to admit it but if both Chris and Yakov side with him, maybe there's something he missed about Yuuri Katsuki. He can now vaguely understand the timeline of the years he is missing. He realizes how much Yuuri influenced his life. How he is not just a guy he met and had a good time with for a few nights, but someone who has grown to be a full part of his life. So much so that Victor cannot find pictures of events that he attended alone after he met Yuuri. It feels almost scary, such a level of complicity and commitment. Maybe that’s why it took him so much time to understand and accept the truth. The timeline didn’t make any sense because he always unconsciously tried to keep Yuuri more or less out of it. He considered their relationship like a side event that had had no real impact on his life and his career. Now with Yuuri at the center of it all, it all falls into place. He lies back on his bed and looks at the ceiling until the night lightens. The sweet and soft smell on his pillows is fading. He doesn’t want it to fade.

There is a knock on the door of Yuri’s studio. Yuri has left for the rink. Yuuri is sleeping in to forget his sadness. His eyes are still puffy in the morning. He goes to answer the door. He doesn’t expect anyone and he has not ordered anything. He looks through the peephole. Victor is standing in the hallway, soaking wet from the rain.

Yuuri opens the door. He blinks. “Did you… Did you forget how to use an umbrella?”

“I’m willing to try,” Victor says without introduction. “I can’t promise anything but- I’ll try. I’ll try to remember.”

Yuuri winces despite himself. He doesn’t know if he can trust Victor. After weeks of exceptional bad grace at Yuuri’s efforts to help him remember, it feels unlikely for Victor to suddenly want to give it a go. Victor sees that Yuuri hesitates.

“I’m sorry for the things I said,” he says slowly. “I didn’t think about how hard it must be for you. I'm not really good at dealing with other people's feelings. I- It’s stupid but I had no idea what it meant to be married and to live with someone. How important it was. I didn’t imagine that we were that close! I didn’t think I could get that close to someone!”

Yuuri keeps staring at him warily.

“I'm sorry. I want to give it a try. If you still want to.”

Yuuri cannot help it. A big tear rolls down his cheek and crashes on his sweater. Seeing Victor again and hearing him say all these hopeful things, it’s a lot.

“Oh no don’t cry!” Victor says. “I don’t know what to do when people cry…”

“I know,” Yuuri sobs, and he wipes his eyes with his sleeve. 

Victor hesitates for long seconds and hugs him awkwardly. It’s stiff and impersonal and for a minute it makes Yuuri cry even harder that his husband became such a stranger that he doesn’t even dare to hug him properly. But hearing Victor’s voice again, smelling his cologne on his shirt, feeling his arms around him, Yuuri had not realized how badly he had missed this. 

Victor waits until the sobs calm down slightly and pulls away. “Please come back home,” he says and despair pierces in his voice. “I don’t know where my things are, I can’t find where I put all my training gear, I don’t understand the things I’ve written on my schedule, I- strangers call me by my first name? I get emails in Japanese I don’t know why, Makka keeps whining and crying on the pillow. I- I’m lost. And tired. And I… I think I need you.”

Yuuri sniffles. He nods. “I’ll get my things.”

***

“Your last name is Katsuki-Nikiforov. You're a figure skating coach. You're 29. It's 2018.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> The next chapter is written and should be up next week probably.
> 
> I wish you all a great time for the end of the year!
> 
> -TheSprout


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> This chapter was beta-ed by [Ashke50](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashke50/pseuds/Ashke50) again, thank you for taking the time and helping me with this <3
> 
> -The Sprout

Sure enough, the apartment is a mess. It seems that Victor went through the drawers and cabinets and, having no idea what to do with Yuuri’s belongings, he just spread them everywhere as he was going through them. The living room looks as if he lived like a hermit for a week while trying to make sense out of everything.

“I- Erm- I’m sorry,” Victor says when Yuuri looks around and raises his eyebrows at the disorder surrounding them. He knew Victor was not doing well but he didn’t expect it to be this bad. Victor seems genuinely embarrassed and so Yuuri doesn’t rub it in. “It’s ok,” he says as he puts his suitcase down. “I’ll make dinner. We can clean up later."

Victor watches Yuuri fix two bowls of rice and top them with eggs and what he can find in the fridge. He seems to know his way around the kitchen and he doesn’t hesitate when he looks for things in the cabinets. Yuuri hands Victor a bowl and eyes a bottle on the countertop. 

“Do you want wine? The nurse said drinking is fine with your medications.”

“You asked?” 

“Yeah I- I thought we’d come home together so I wanted to know what was fine to do and what wasn’t during your recovery.”

Yuuri has a soft smile and shame settles in Victor’s chest. While he was only concerned about himself and wallowing in self-pity, Yuuri was already thinking about taking care of him after his return from the hospital and helping him get better. He is worried that Yuuri will resent him but Yuuri eats with great appetite and doesn’t seem to be mad.

“Thank you,” Victor says quietly. “For coming back after what I said.”

Yuuri pauses between two mouthfuls. Part of him wants to tell Victor how hard he hurt him, how terribly lonely and sad he was and how scared he got that it might be the end. He just nods and accepts the apology. Despite how badly it hurt, now might be his only chance to ever get his husband back. 

“It’s ok. We’re trying again.”

They exchange a few words while eating, basic small talk, but it makes Victor realize how lonely he had been, eating take out alone with his dog with no one to talk to. He feels much better once his stomach is full, and he is grateful to Yuuri for fixing something quick and delicious. 

When the bowls are in the sink they start tidying up, and it takes them a good part of the evening. Yuuri answers Victor’s questions and tells him where things go so he can put them away and know where they are for next time. Soon Victor yawns and looks at the clock. Yuuri smiles knowingly. Victor still has his usual schedule and needs to sleep early at night to be up at some ungodly hour of the morning. 

“We should take a break, we can finish tomorrow,” Yuuri says on cue.

Victor stands up. He glances at the bedroom and back at Yuuri.

"I'll sleep on the couch,” Yuuri says, “don’t worry.” He goes to grab a pillow and a blanket from the bedroom. Victor feels slightly ashamed that they are supposed to be married and they are sleeping apart. 

“I-”

“It’s ok," Yuuri says with a warm smile, "the couch is very comfortable to sleep on.”

Victor frowns. “... Did we fight a lot?”

Yuuri chuckles. Not once in two years of marriage did they have to sleep apart, they always made sure to talk their problems out so as not to go to sleep angry. 

“No, but we sometimes nap here, and with you, me, and Makka, we needed quite a large couch…”

Victor nods. It explains why he doesn’t have his old sofa anymore. Yuuri throws his blanket and pillow on the couch and Makkachin jumps up to sleep with him. Even just sleeping in the living room, it feels good to be back home. He smiles above the backrest. 

“Good night, Victor.”

In the morning Yuuri knocks at the door of the bedroom. He hears the rustle of the sheets and Victor’s hurried voice. “Just a minute!”

Yuuri bites his lips as he waits behind the door. He knows that Victor is putting on his underwear after sleeping in the nude. It’s slightly ironic to wait outside while his husband is getting dressed, when Yuuri already knows every inch of his body very intimately. But Yuuri doesn’t want to rush Victor and so he gives him the distance he needs while they get used to living together again.

“Thanks,” Victor says when he lets Yuuri into the bedroom and Yuuri gives him a mug of coffee. He hands him three pills and Victor realizes that Yuuri has checked his prescription and thought for him of the meds he has to take. It feels strange that someone he doesn’t know cares so much about him. He takes a sip and notes that the coffee is black, without sugar, just strong and hot as he likes it.

“How are you?” Yuuri asks as he drinks a swallow of tea. He doesn’t seem disturbed to walk around with an old T-shirt and his boxers. His eyes are still sleepy and his hair is all over the place. His socks are mismatched. Victor finds it is quite a curious sight in the morning.

“Good. You?”

Yuuri nods. “We have a lot to do today.”

Victor is relieved that the guy who supposedly lives with him is here. Now he can just ask him when he can’t find something or he has a question. Yuuri always answers with patience and attention, no matter how weird it must be for him to remind his husband of basic everyday things. 

Yuuri helps Victor figure out the emails he got over the past few weeks, and together they almost manage to catch up on the things that Victor didn’t do because he simply had no idea he had to do them or how to do them. There are papers from the ISU addressing Victor as a coach and mails from the Japanese skating federation that Yuuri’s mailbox automatically copies to Victor’s mail to keep him informed. Victor spends a long time looking at bank documents until Yuuri explains that they have a joint account. Victor briefly frowns and looks at Yuuri up and down in a suspicious way.

“I know that I don’t contribute to the account as much as you do," Yuuri says quickly," but honestly, it was your idea.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I mostly use my personal card anyway, but you said that it’d be better if we had a joint account, in case one of us-”

“-hits his head and doesn’t remember what his bank account is.”

Yuuri has a sorry smile. “I used it to pay for your hospital stay, that's why it’s on these invoices. We’re not really good at keeping up with the paperwork but it’s all there if you wanna see it.”

Victor briefly goes through the papers. “Do you pay me?” he asks out of the blue a minute later. 

Yuuri looks up from the pile of unopened mail. “What?”

“If I’m your coach, does that mean you're paying me?”

Yuuri reddens. He tries to find the least embarrassing way to say it. “It’s- You… When we started this you said you’d send me the invoice later and… I haven't gotten any invoice so…”

Victor frowns again. “So... you’re living in my apartment, rent-free, and I coach you, also for free, and you have access to my bank account?”

Yuuri looks at the floor. Victor had never made him feel guilty about the money, and from the moment they got married the subject wasn’t a question anymore, but now that he says it out loud, it’s difficult to explain.

“Well,” Victor sighs as he stacks the bank papers and puts them away. “I guess I can afford it.”

It takes them a good part of the day but Victor feels quite happy to finally get some order in his apartment and his mail. While he is still politely distant with Yuuri, and sometimes frowns when Yuuri explains something that doesn’t really convince him, Yuuri can tell that Victor is softening a bit and maybe starting to tolerate the idea of this new life that he is discovering. 

The following days go by quietly in the apartment as they get used to being roommates and Victor learns more and more about his own life. It’s not immediately natural, but after a while they get used to living with each other. Victor gets to know a few things about Yuuri. He realizes that Makkachin is much happier since Yuuri came back home and that she spends most of her nights sleeping on his legs on the couch.

“She likes you a lot,” Victor says one time when Makkachin nudges Yuuri's knee to ask for petting.

Yuuri nods with a smile. “She adopted me pretty fast when we met, it almost made you jealous… When I was younger I had a poodle too. His name was Vicchan. He died a few days before the Grand Prix Final in Sochi in 2015.”

Victor has the exact same face he had the first time Yuuri told him this story, three years ago at the onsen. “I’m sorry,” he says, and Yuuri almost finds it endearing to see him share his pain again. 

“It’s ok. I have you and Makka now.”

Everything Yuuri says is a lot for Victor to learn and to remember, and yet this time it feels like Yuuri is not pushing him, not stressing him. When they were at the hospital he always tried to make Victor remember things, but he doesn’t do it anymore. He just goes on with his day and explains things when Victor asks for help. Victor doesn’t feel pressured like he used to feel when he first talked to Yuuri. The situation after the accident was also so stressful for Yuuri and he might not have tackled the issue with as much patience as it required. Now that they are both back home, alone, away from the doctors, they are both much more relaxed and ready to take their time together. 

Sometimes Yuuri cannot help but look at Victor and notice how different he acts from his usual self and yet it seems like deep down he is still his Victor. He has the same face when he is surprised or when he eats something he likes, he uses the same words when he talks to Makkachin to take her on a walk, he still doesn’t know how to load the dishwasher and he takes too much time in the bathroom to take care of his hair. 

One morning Yuuri doesn't lock the door when he goes to shower and Victor quickly looks away when he walks into the bathroom and accidentally catches a glimpse of him stepping out of the shower. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-” Victor stammers. 

Yuuri chuckles as he picks up his towel. “It’s alright, I’m sorry I forgot to close the door, I don’t usually have to.”

Victor has turned around not to see, but the image of Yuuri’s thighs and butt still wet from the shower is quite clear in his mind. Yuuri looks so innocent and cute with his messy hair and his big glasses, Victor had almost forgotten that he is an athlete and his body is strong and sculpted by hours of practice on the ice. Yuuri notices the light blush on Victor’s cheeks. He cannot hold back a smile. It is a strange feeling to see his husband of two years flustered when seeing him undressed.

After two weeks at home Victor is very glad that he asked Yuuri to move back in. It seems impossible to feel so good with someone he has barely known for a few weeks, and yet his life is much happier when Yuuri is around than when he was living alone with Makkachin. Having Yuuri at his side makes life much less scary. He doesn’t worry when he has a question or when he can’t find an item, he dares to go out and see other people because he knows that Yuuri will help him if he is in an awkward situation, he slowly builds his confidence back.

“Yuuri came back to live with me again,” he says in the psychologist’s office that day. 

“Did he come back by himself?”

“No- I… I asked him to come back.”

She nods and smiles. “How is it going?”

Victor runs a hand in his hair. “I think it’s going good?”

“Is it?”

Victor tries to find the right words. “Yeah. I feel… better. I- he helps me a lot. It’s easier… when he’s there.”

She writes something down and closes Victor’s folder. “I think we’re done, Victor. I don’t need to see you anymore.”

Victor blinks. “But? I still don’t remember anything!”

“Now you have people to help you. You don’t need me for that anymore.”

Yuuri and Victor go to the rink together the following week, after Victor sees his doctor and is cleared to start light training again. It’s the first time Yuuri goes back with Victor since the accident, and he wonders if Victor will remember something, but Victor doesn’t seem to recall anything about his fall. If anything he is just slightly ashamed to see Yakov after their last encounter, but Yakov is much friendlier when he sees that he is coming with Yuuri. Yuri pretends to complain that Victor is back but Yuuri can see that he is glad to see him again. 

Victor watches Yuuri put on his skates with curious interest. He has never seen Yuuri skate other than in a video.

“I want to show you something,” Yuuri says after they warm-up, and he presses the remote to start a song on the speakers.

It’s a program Victor has never seen. It looks like it was made for Yuuri. The song, the moves, the jumps, everything is tailored to perfection. For a moment Victor is captivated. He is almost jealous that he didn’t think of this himself and that Yuuri’s performance could surely beat him in a competition. 

“This program is really beautiful,” Victor says when Yuuri joins him at the barrier and catches his breath.

Yuri cuts him with a disgusted wince. “Pretentious idiot,” he mumbles when he grabs his water bottle, and Victor wonders what earned him a free insult.

“You created this program for me,” Yuuri explains with a smile.

Victor pauses. He has never created a program for anyone but himself. “Really?”

“Yeah. It’s this year’s short program. It was almost done when- before we had to stop.”

Victor is conflicted. It is frustrating that he doesn’t remember anything about this choreography, but he cannot help but be impressed that he did that himself. Now, seeing Yuuri skate, seeing this performance, and knowing that he coached him to this level, he feels quite proud. Maybe that’s a change of career he can accept, if he really was able to create good programs and coach Yuuri to win gold, maybe he could believe he was satisfied with being a coach.

The training session is a lot for Victor, he had forgotten that Yuuri had such stamina, and the headache that comes after it makes him regret that he pushed himself too much. He comes home and heads straight to the bedroom to lie down before he feels too dizzy to stay up. Just a minute later Yuuri sits next to him on the bed and hands him painkillers and a glass of water. His eyes are worried and Victor feels quite self-conscious that Yuuri takes care of him so well when they just barely became roommates a few weeks earlier.

"Thanks," Victor says as he takes the pills and sits up. He swallows them with a sip of water and looks at Yuuri again "You don't have to-" 

"It's alright, just rest," Yuuri says as he gently pushes him back in the pillows. "Call me if you need anything." He puts the glass on the nightstand, pulls the blanket over Victor, kisses him on the forehead out of habit, and turns off the light on his way out. In the dark Victor touches his forehead where Yuuri's lips just were. It was such a small gesture and yet his heart is racing. That night when he is alone in his bed he still thinks about it, and he briefly wonders what it would feel like to have Yuuri sleep next to him.

They manage to start training on a schedule again, even if Yakov is still keeping an eye on Yuuri while Victor tries to remember what it is like to be a coach. He needs a moment to find his balance again between being on the ice and giving Yuuri advice. They go over the programs again and while Victor doesn’t remember them, he understands the reflection behind them and he can guess what he wanted to convey when he created them.

In a brief moment of panic one morning Victor realizes that the Grand Prix assignments have already been given out and Yuuri is not in any of them. He fears that he forgot to sign Yuuri up as his coach and Yuuri will be mad at him. But Yuuri doesn’t seem surprised. He shakes his head slowly.

"I decided not to go for the Grand Prix this year, I didn’t sign up,” he says simply. “I'll go back for the Japanese nationals in December.”

Victor opens wide eyes. Not go for the Grand Prix? What kind of idea is that? Is Yuuri completely delusional that he thinks he can be a professional athlete and skip such a big competition? For a moment he looks at Yuuri like he is out of his mind, and Yuuri looks back at him with a soft smile. Victor understands. 

“Did you drop out of the Grand Prix for me?

Yuuri shrugs lightly. "Sort of, yeah."

Victor cannot even begin to comprehend it. Yuuri is soon 27, it could be one of his last years in competition and he sacrificed the most important championship of the season for him. He sighs and hides his face in his hands as he slumps on a chair. 

"Hey," Yuuri says softly as he walks up to Victor and rubs his back. "It's alright. I wasn't in the right state of mind anyway.”

"Because of me!"

"I wanted to be with you and to take care of you. I went to many Grand Prix events, and I can go next year, but I can't catch up if I'm not here for you when you need me."

"You could've gone with Yakov!”

“I couldn't just leave you here like that.”

“Why?”

Yuuri pauses. “Because I love you, and so it doesn't feel like a sacrifice. It feels like doing the right thing, the thing I want to do.”

Victor is still upset. Yuuri hugs him and Victor is briefly surprised at the physical contact. After a moment he lets his head rest against Yuuri's chest. Yuuri brushes his hair with the tip of his fingers. Victor calms down. It feels good. Yuuri's T-shirt smells nice. He almost wants to sleep there. Why does it feel so good to be held in his arms?

The days pass and Victor feels more and more comfortable around Yuuri. Every day he sees how easy their life together is, how Yuuri takes care of him and makes sure he doesn’t need anything. Yuuri always explains things to him with a patience and an enthusiasm that are quite endearing, and when he laughs Victor always feels his heart tighten at the sound. He almost wants to ask Yuuri more questions just to have him by his side and listen to him talk a little more. 

That night they have had a heavy bowl of Yuuri’s favorite fried pork cutlet for dinner and Yuuri’s cheeks are pink with contentment. He sighs and leans against Victor. They are really close on the couch. Victor can feel the heat of Yuuri’s body and smell the soft scent of his shampoo. It’s the same sweet and soft smell that lingered on his pillows. It still feels comforting. Yuuri is resting his weight against Victor without holding back, like he is used to it and he knows that Victor will hold him. It makes Victor feel inexplicably good. It feels like he belongs here, right next to Yuuri. Yuuri’s eyes are warm and soft, his lips are pink. For a second it is like Victor’s body is acting on its own, like muscle memory kicks in and he has done this so many times before that he can’t help it, he leans in and closes the distance between them.

Their lips touch, shyly at first, then completely. After a second Victor pulls back slightly and Yuuri holds his breath. Victor’s eyes are closed. Then he is kissing Yuuri again. His lips are pressing, there is an urge, a need in his kiss and Yuuri knows. He knows that it’s his husband kissing him, and not a stranger who met him a month ago.

Victor’s breath is short when he pulls back. He blinks and looks at Yuuri. He cannot find the right words to explain how he feels. He feels the excitement that comes with a first kiss, but it is strangely covered by a feeling of deja vu. Yuuri’s lips are hot and soft, they taste just like he imagined they would. They remind him of something that he cannot grasp. For a second he is stunned. His brain is reaching for memories that he cannot see but that he knows exist. For the first time since his accident it seems that maybe, just maybe, all of this was true and there is actually a part of his life that he has forgotten and that he could remember. 

After a long silence he finally manages to speak. “I think I’ve kissed you before,” he says slowly.

Yuuri cannot believe how badly he needed to hear this. He almost wants to cry. He nods. “Yeah!”

Victor shakes his head. “I don’t- I can't tell I- but I feel like I’ve kissed you before.”

“Yes you have,” Yuuri says again and he is shaking with relief and happiness at these simple few words.

“I- it feels really strange.”

The confusion on Victor’s face is endearing. Yuuri caresses his cheek. “It's ok.”

“Can I kiss you again?”

Yuuri replies with action rather than words. He gently pulls Victor down to kiss him again. 

After their kiss on the couch Yuuri had dared to hope for an immediate and miraculous memory recovery where Victor would simply switch back to his usual self, but the following days prove him wrong. No other memory comes back. No scene, no precise moment, just this feeling of deja vu that lingers in Victor’s mind. Victor, however, does seem more at ease with Yuuri, and it helps their everyday life tremendously. He asks a lot more questions, is much more interested in their relationship, and the way he looks at Yuuri is not suspicious or distant anymore. Yuuri cannot completely hide his disappointment that there isn’t more improvement, but he doesn’t lose his enthusiasm. If one feeling came back, there is no reason for the others not to. 

Victor hangs onto this strange feeling of déjà vu, that is not enough to remember, but enough to believe that there is something to remember. He is comforted in his everyday life when he realizes that living with Yuuri is the most natural thing for him and that a part of him is used to life in the apartment with his husband. His meals taste familiar even though he doesn't know when or when he ate them before. He can guess where things are stored in the apartment just by trusting his gut that tells him that he has known it before. His instinct tells him what Yuuri likes and what will make him upset. 

The next Sunday Yuuri explains that they can’t go to training because the rink is now open to the public all day during the weekend. Victor rants that he used to be able to go training on a Sunday morning. He mumbles something about it being disrespectful to the athletes, that he’s been training in this rink for twenty years now and he has always had the right to train on Sunday morning. Yuuri listens to his offended grumbles with a smile. “You said exactly the same thing when the schedule changed last year.”

“Did I?”

“Yeah. There were only Yakov’s skaters who still trained on that slot, and they wanted to stop paying the Zamboni guy for the weekend so we had to stop.”

Victor sighs and slumps on the couch. “What do we do on Sundays?”

“We stay in bed late in the morning, we take Makka to the park, we take a nap…”

Staying home and doing nothing? Victor cannot believe that in just three years he changed his habits so much and slid into a quiet domestic routine. He used to always be between two flights, at the rink, at the gym, he barely had time for his dog, and now he is supposed to do nothing all day?

They walk to the park. The weather is chilly for the beginning of November but it’s still sunny. Victor watches Yuuri take Makkachin’s leash off and throw the ball. Makkachin catches it and runs back at Yuuri. She doesn’t slow down when she reaches him and makes him fall backward when she jumps on him. Yuuri laughs and wrestles with the dog to try and take the ball she has in her mouth. Victor has a strange realization. Yuuri’s laugh, Makkachin’s barking, the smell of the grass, the feeling of the fall wind on his cheeks, he has felt all of this before. He cannot remember it precisely, but something in his heart tells him that he has done all of this before. Suddenly he understands these lazy days, it’s not just a day where he does nothing and skips training, it’s time that he spends with Yuuri and Makkachin. Yuuri keeps laughing and shouts at Makkachin for her to catch the ball. Victor doesn't get tired of watching them play. They spend almost all the afternoon at the park and only come back when Makkachin is tired. Yuuri’s cheeks are red from the cold and the effort. Victor cannot take his eyes off him. He could do with more lazy days. 

That night Yuuri is arranging his blanket on the couch to sleep when Victor walks out of the bedroom and scratches the back of his head uneasily. He looks up at Yuuri. 

“Please come to bed with me?” he asks in a breath. 

Yuuri gapes at him for a second, his pillow still in his hands.

“I’ve not slept well at all since I came home,” Victor adds, and he looks truly upset. “I- I feel like something’s wrong when I sleep alone.”

Yuuri doesn’t need to be asked twice. While he was happy to be back home, his nights on the couch have started to feel lonely, especially knowing that his husband was sleeping in the next room. He slides into the bed, careful to stay on his side and give Victor space. But just when he pulls the blanket over himself, Victor grabs him by the waist and pulls him close to his chest. Victor immediately takes the position they usually sleep in and nestles against Yuuri with a satisfied sigh. He is out before Yuuri can get over his surprise.

Victor has not slept this well in weeks. Yuuri’s body is warm and soft, his scent is familiar, nothing is more comfortable than lying in bed with him for a lazy morning. When the sun peeks through the blinds, Victor opens his eyes to see Yuuri’s face in his pillow, his cheek squished and his mouth open. A ray of sunlight highlights the curve of his shoulder that is out of the blanket. Victor blinks. He cannot tell whether it’s Yuuri’s messy hair, his slightly parted lips, or the regular, soft sounds of his breathing in the quiet morning, but he knows that he has seen this before. He has seen this hundreds of times before. Hundreds of mornings, where he woke up and Yuuri was still sleeping like a log with his face glued to his pillowcase. 

“Yuuri…”

“Hm.”

“Yuuriiiiii…”

“No… "

Victor smiles. Yuuri’s morning grumbles are adorable. He extends his hand and brushes Yuuri’s cheek with his fingers. 

“You always have trouble waking up…”

This time Yuuri opens his eyes. Victor has a soft smile. The same smile he used to have in the morning and that Yuuri has not seen in so many weeks. Yuuri comes closer to Victor. It feels so good to wake up with his husband again. He falls back asleep against Victor’s chest in seconds. 

It seems that Victor doesn’t remember the most important events first, but rather small details, intimate moments that he had with Yuuri, as if his brain had kept these safe, as if they were more important to him than a big wedding reception or a podium ceremony. He remembers a walk outside, a late night date, that one time they locked themselves outside or the day Yuuri taught him how to use the rice cooker. It still doesn’t help him understand the events of the past three years, but it is progress and they both hope that it will keep getting better.

They spend more and more time at the rink as winter and the Japanese nationals approach. Victor stays longer on the ice as he recovers, even if he is careful not to overdo it.

“Was I a good coach?” he asks one day at the rink, when Yuuri takes a break at the barrier. 

“Most of the time, yes.”

“Was I strict?”

“You take a lot after Yakov so yes, but…” Yuuri says and his lashes flutter, “I know how to convince you to be nicer.”

Victor frowns in incomprehension. Yuuri does a little move with his hips and Victor has a strange feeling of warmth under his sweater. He feels like there is something he is missing, but once again his brain betrays him, and he is left with flushed cheeks without really knowing why.

Sometimes Victor goes for a walk with Makkachin while Yuuri stays home. In town he notices a few things that have changed since 2015. Spending time alone helps him process the things he has learned and remembered in the past few days. When he comes home one evening the whole apartment smells like hot, spicy food, and the scent wakes tingles in his brain. Yuuri is cooking. He stands in front of the steaming pot and stirs the food slowly. It smells comforting. Yuuri sees Victor come up behind him to look over his shoulder. Victor takes him by the waist, hugs him and rests his chin on his shoulder. Yuuri shivers. It feels good to be held in his husband’s arms again. 

“I think I like what you’re cooking," Victor says in his ear. 

“You love it. Sometimes you say that I shouldn’t make it too often because you’re going to get fat.”

“I did put on a bit of weight since I met you.”

“You stopped training for competition and Yakov is not watching your food, I guess it was bound to happen. I like you the way you are.”

Yuuri takes a spoonful of sauce and lifts it up for Victor to taste it. Victor obliges. It tastes familiar. He hugs Yuuri tighter.

One night Victor wakes up in the middle of the night and he is surprised to see that Yuuri is still not asleep. He is watching a Japanese series on his laptop. 

"I think I remember why you have trouble getting up in the morning,” Victor mumbles into the pillow as he brushes Yuuri’s side with his fingers.

“Just one more episode.”

“You say that every time as well.”

Yuuri blushes. Victor remembers things little by little, the good things but his bad habits as well. He closes his laptop and bends to kiss Victor.

“I’m sorry I woke you up.”

In the last week of November Victor looks at the schedule on the fridge and notices a sticker next to it. “Who’s Fabiano?” he asks.

Yuuri looks up. “It’s an Italian restaurant downtown that opened two years ago. We go almost every Friday night.”

“We haven’t gone recently?”

Yuuri winces. Victor’s accident did change their routine quite a bit and they have not been to the restaurant in two months now. “Yeah,” he says, “it was complicated.” He smiles anyway. “We could go this week if you want to?”

Victor seems surprised. “Like… a date?”

Yuuri nods. "Yeah, we can say that.”

They go to the restaurant on Friday after training, and Yuuri feels unreasonably happy to take up this habit again. He is secretly hoping that the food and the place will trigger Victor's memory, but mostly he is looking forward to doing regular couple activities with his husband again. 

They walk down to the parking lot to take the car and Victor frowns as he stops in front of a bright pink Cadillac that is parked next to his car. Yuuri had forgotten about it and bites his lip as he watches Victor’s reaction. Victor walks around the car. “Which one of our neighbors drives this?”

Yuuri remembers that he shouldn’t upset Victor while he is recovering but he is struggling to hold back his laugh. “The keys should be in your inside pocket.”

Victor fumbles in his coat and pulls a set of car keys. He blinks. Yuuri nods. Victor realizes. His face goes through surprise, horror, interest, and finally, incomprehension. “Why? When?”

“Our first summer two years ago. We were supposed to rent it but we had such a great time, and Makkachin loved the open roof, you decided to buy it.”

“And you let me?”

Yuuri gasps. “We don’t have that kind of relationship, you buy whatever you want! And I liked it too, even if it is crazy.”

Victor keeps looking at the car silently and Yuuri knows him well enough to guess what he is thinking. He walks up to the Cadillac and opens the passenger door. “Come on, we’re going to be late to the restaurant.”

Victor has a great time trying the car and eating at the restaurant that he discovers for the first time, even though the waiter seems to know him, and Yuuri orders food by just saying “Our usual, please”. Before the end of the evening Yuuri has tomato sauce all over his cheeks and his plate is an absolute mess. Victor could feel disgusted or ashamed but Yuuri is smiling and giggling over his glass of wine, and frankly this whole date has been more than pleasant. Yuuri makes Victor taste something on the tip of his fork - “Trust me, you like it” - and Victor wonders if all his life with Yuuri felt like this, surprising, light, and happy. Yuuri knows that Victor will drive him home and indulges in a couple more glasses of wine than he should. He is slightly buzzed when they arrive home, and Victor reddens as he helps him undress to go to bed and Yuuri drunkenly mumbles: "Oh-my-god-Victor-we-are-married-you-can-take-off-my-socks-it's-fine.”

Victor gets used to kissing Yuuri, to say good morning, good night, thank you, when he is happy, or when he needs a hug. Yuuri could not be happier to be able to be close to his husband again. Sometimes it feels like they are dating again and they slowly learn how to kiss and to touch each other again. Now that they also sleep together Victor’s brain sometimes wanders off at night and he comes up with questions that make him flustered, and that he doesn’t dare to ask Yuuri once the morning comes. 

It’s only one evening, when they come home after a practice where Victor was very focused on Yuuri’s glute muscles, that Victor finds the courage to bring up the subject. They are kissing in the living room and the way Yuuri kisses him always makes Victor's heart race. There's a trust, a love, a passion that he has never felt before in his previous experiences. And kissing him back feels just as good, just as natural, and it makes Victor yearn for more. His hand slides down Yuuri’s back and stops just above the curve of his ass. He pulls back briefly. His cheeks are flushed.

“Yuuri… You and I- did we… have we- you know…”

Yuuri chuckles. He has missed this too. “We’ve been married for two years… Yes we have.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, and more often than average I’d say.”

“I want you.”

"I'm yours."

They stumble to the bedroom without breaking the kiss. Yuuri lies back on the bed and Victor crawls over him. Victor's body presses against him and they can feel their lengths rub through their clothes. 

Victor's lips briefly leave Yuuri's skin. "Condom?" 

Yuuri cannot hide a brief moment of surprise. "We- erm- I think we might have an old box in the drawer but we don't-" 

Victor seems to ponder the idea for an instant. The next second he is back to kissing down Yuuri’s neck and sliding his hands under his sweater.

Yuuri can tell that it’s different from their usual moments of intimacy. Victor’s touch is not as assured as usual. Yuuri can feel that he is slightly hesitant, that he rediscovers his body, that he is not completely sure that he can touch him the way he does. Yuuri lets him take his time. When Victor looks up at him he nods to encourage him to continue. He lies back and lets Victor’s hands run over his skin, undress him, and explore the curves he has forgotten. It feels new for Yuuri too. Victor’s touch is soft and careful, his eyes follow the lines of his body with a whole new interest. It feels like a new first time. 

Then Yuuri takes the lead. He knows how to reassure Victor, how to make him feel safe, and how to help him relax. He knows how to touch him to make him feel good. He pushes Victor back into the pillows. He undoes the buttons of his shirt, still looking at him to make sure that he is ok, and kisses his way down his chest. He opens Victor’s pants and helps him take them off. Victor has a brief moment of hesitation and Yuuri smiles. He reaches into the nightstand and straddles Victor’s hips. Within a minute he is covered in lube and grinding on Victor’s length. Victor lets his finger wander between Yuuri's cheeks and Yuuri nods to tell him to go ahead. Victor is amazed at how Yuuri melts over him with every touch, how the slightest movement makes him whine adorably and every caress makes his back arch a little more. 

Yuuri is out of breath when he takes Victor's hand to stop him and he aligns himself better on his hips. He reaches behind him and grabs Victor with slick fingers to press him against his entrance. He rubs the head against his hole and sees Victor twitch with need. He is so tight, Victor thinks it’s not going to fit. Yuuri closes his eyes and lets his head fall back. The head goes in. He can't help a little moan of pleasure to finally feel Victor inside him again. Slowly, he lowers himself on Victor’s length, one inch at a time, until he is completely seated on his hips. Oh he had missed this. After so long it feels even more overwhelming. His face is red down to his chest. His eyelids are heavy as he looks at Victor through his lashes. His lips are pink and wet from being kissed. He moans and gasps as he slowly rolls his hips up and down and Victor loses control under him. He didn’t think it’d feel this good. He didn’t imagine it could feel like this. 

Yuuri touches himself, goes quicker, spreads his legs even more to take Victor deeper. Victor struggles not to spill immediately, Yuuri is so hot and tight around him, his thighs are thick and powerful and the curve of his back lets Victor go deeper with each thrust, it’s almost too much to bear. Victor’s fingers dig deep in Yuuri’s round asscheeks as he holds him to thrust faster. After only a moment Yuuri’s whole body spasms on Victor’s dick. His mouth opens in a gorgeous, loud, gasp of pleasure. His fingers press into Victor’s chest, his back arches, and the contraction of his muscles as he climaxes makes Victor see stars. Victor comes deep inside Yuuri and Yuuri’s hips gently roll to follow the waves of his orgasm. 

Victor cannot believe that he has lived this before and he cannot remember it. How did he forget such an incredible sight? The blush on Yuuri’s skin, the plump feeling of his ass, the strength of his thighs, and the burning heat inside him? He needs long minutes to recover and think clearly again.

Yuuri lies over him, limp and sleepy, and closes his eyes. He rests against him as if it was the most natural thing, with a trust that Victor is not used to seeing. Victor can feel his heartbeat against his ribs. He brushes a strand of hair away from his sweaty temples. There is something in Yuuri that makes Victor’s brain sparkle. He knows that he has felt this before. This feeling, the weight of Yuuri’s body over his, the warmth of his skin after his climax, the peace on his face, and the relaxation of his muscles. For a second Victor is absolutely overwhelmed by the sudden rush of affection that he feels for Yuuri. He wants to hold him forever, to see him calm and happy every day of his life, to make sure he never has to worry about anything. This, Victor remembers. Yuuri is asleep but Victor cannot stop looking at him. He has never felt this for anyone before. 

Victor sees the neurologist every other week. After all his research he can now pinpoint the beginning of his memory loss at the Final night in Sochi, shortly after the podium ceremony. He cannot explain why he forgot everything after this exact moment.

"It's not even the moment I left for Japan, it's almost 4 months before that… I can't remember the European championships or Worlds this year. I didn't even remember that Yuuri was at the Final, it's like I completely forgot everything about him.”

The doctor scribbles something in Victor's file. "Was there anything special about this Final? 

"No. I skated and I won… It was pretty normal."

“You won, it was a big emotion, wasn't it?”

"I mean yeah but… I'm sort of used to it?" 

“What is the last thing you remember?" 

"I don't know… I remember that I had to go back to my hotel room to get ready for the banquet. 

"Was there something special about the banquet?”

Victor shakes his head. "No, I've been to lots of these events before. It was in Sochi- I was practically at home. It was really nothing interesting.”

The doctor nods. "The brain is very complex and sometimes it does things that we don't understand. Events that we think insignificant can actually change us deeply. With a bit of time you might be able to understand what happened that night that made your brain think it was an important moment."

Yuuri cannot say that his life is back to normal, far from it, but his everyday routine is getting closer to what it used to be, and sometimes he is the one who gets the feeling of déjà vu.

"Do I use hair loss shampoo?" Victor asks one awfully early morning when he comes out of the shower, where he has taken the time to read the label on his bottle of shampoo. Yuuri is still in bed and he barely lifts his head from the pillow.

"Last year you started worrying about it so I got you this. I don't know if it helps but you've been using it since then." 

“Do you think I’m getting bald?”

“No, your hairline has always been this far.”

Victor gasps. “My hairline is far?”

Yuuri moans in the blanket. “We can get another shampoo if you prefer.”

Victor pauses for a second. “Maybe I should keep using this one so it doesn’t get worse?”

It’s exactly what Victor said when Yuuri first bought him the shampoo, so Yuuri makes a small noise of approval, and turns in the bed to fall back asleep.

Victor seems happier every day and it feels good for Yuuri to be close to his husband again. It helps to see that Victor is remembering more and more things, even if Yuuri is still quite careful and knows that the battle is far from over yet. The anxiety that Victor had about the events he doesn’t remember is still there, but he is more open about it and he lets Yuuri help him when something is bothering him. One Sunday afternoon Victor pulls out a picture that was on his phone and shows it to Yuuri. “Where is this?” he asks, and Yuuri smiles as recognizes the photo they took at the Yutopia a few days after their wedding.

“It’s my parents’ inn in Japan. This is my mom, my dad, and my sister. It was when we were there about two years ago.”

Victor seems slightly worried. “I met your parents?”

“Yeah, we lived there for almost a year after we met in 2016.”

“Do they like me?”

The concern in Victor’s voice is genuine. Yuuri smiles. “They love you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. My mom calls you “Vicchan”, they love when we visit, she always spoils you with your favorite foods and drinks.”

Victor tries to focus, he looks back at the picture, he wants to remember, he tries to guess the names of these people, but nothing comes. He feels horribly ashamed that they welcomed him into their home and he has no idea who they are. 

“I… I don’t know them,” he says slowly, and he is afraid that Yuuri will be hurt that he forgot about his family.

But Yuuri is not surprised. He just smiles. “It's alright. We can go and visit them this winter when I go to the nationals.”

Chris calls about a month after Yuuri moved back in. Victor waits for the “I told you so” but Chris is nice enough not to say it. Victor admits that things are going pretty well and that he doesn’t regret following Chris’s advice.

“Are you still sleeping apart?” Chris asks, and Victor sees that Chris has not changed one bit in three years. Victor’s nights with Yuuri were already great when they were just sleeping, but now that they are intimate, he feels like the luckiest man in the world to be the one to touch Yuuri and pleasure him. He just smiles on the phone. “No, I asked him to come back to bed.”

“Did he remind you how to-”

“I didn’t forget that.”

Chris laughs. “I’m glad. Be nice with Yuuri, you did a number on him. Take care of him.”

Victor looks at Yuuri across the living room. He is snoozing in front of the TV with Makkachin. Victor loves to see them together. “I will.”

Yuuri’s training schedule gets busier as he comes close to the nationals, they go to the rink almost every time there is a free slot. Yuri often asks how Victor is doing and does his best to remind him of the very important things he has forgotten in these past three years of competition.

“Did Katsudon tell you I broke your short program record the year after you set it?” 

Victor tries not to look too annoyed. “I saw it online. You did win a lot of things these past few years.”

“Will you be able to choreograph my programs next year?” Yuri asks with concern.

Victor has a moment of hesitation. Yuuri comes to his rescue. “We’ll see in a few months. We still have time before next season.”

Yuri doesn’t seem happy but he doesn’t push it. “Did Katsudon tell you about his competitions?”

“Yeah, we went over the two last seasons.”

Yuri grins. “Did you see that time he hit the barrier with his face?”

“Yuri!” Yuuri protests. He doesn’t need him to tell Victor about embarrassing things like this.

“His forehead was red and nose was bleeding,” Yuri adds, “it was horrible… Oh and did he tell you about the time he said his Eros inspiration was the pork cutlet bowl and the commentator said it on TV?" 

Victor frowns. “What do you mean?”

“His idea of eroticism is to eat fried pork.”

Victor still doesn’t understand. Yuuri grabs his bottle and storms to the locker room to avoid further humiliation. Victor joins him later when Yuri has left them alone. He hugs Yuuri tight.

“Did you really think the pork cutlet was erotic?” he asks quietly, genuinely curious.

Yuuri’s face is crimson, he can feel his cheeks burn. “You don’t remember but… when we met I didn’t really have a lot of experience in… these things.”

Victor considers the idea for a moment. “Was I... your first…?”

“Yeah.”

Victor raises an eyebrow. “Was it good?”

Yuuri blushes again. Having to tell Victor about all these moments in their relationship makes him remember them too and it often makes him smile. He remembers that it was quite messy, a bit awkward, certainly not the most sexy time, but that they had both been waiting for it and it had been amazing to finally share this together and feel this close to each other.

“Yeah, it was really good.”

Victor beams. “I’m glad.”

Yuuri has a little sigh as he rests his head against Victor’s chest. “I hope you’ll remember it.”

“I hope so too.”

  
  


It’s a cold fall afternoon when Yuuri finds Victor looking at the pictures on their laptop again.

"What are you looking at?" he asks curiously as he looks over Victor’s shoulder.

"It's Barcelona," Victor says with a focused frown. "We went shopping. I feel like-like it's important but I don't know why. I keep thinking about it. I thought it was about the Final but… I feel like something more important happened but I can't remember what.” 

Yuuri pulls out his own phone. It's a picture that Phichit took and sent him that night after dinner. It shows Victor and him holding hands to show their matching rings.

"It's the night we got engaged,” Yuuri says slowly as he watches Victor’s face to see his reaction. “We went to the Christmas market and bought the rings. We said we’d get married if I won gold at the Final.”

Victor’s heart tightens painfully. This is important, he should remember this, the night he got engaged, and yet nothing comes. The picture doesn’t wake anything in his brain, nor does Yuuri’s explanation. "Did I propose?" 

"Erm- no it wasn't really like that." 

Victor takes another few seconds but he eventually shakes his head. The feeling of helplessness when his brain doesn't respond is beyond frustrating. It feels almost unfair that he can't recall these things, like he was robbed of these precious moments. "I don't remember." 

The disappointment in Yuuri's eyes is hard to take in. 

"Maybe I just need time," Victor adds. 

"Yeah." 

"I'm sorry." 

"It's alright, it's not your fault." 

Victor keeps making small progress, but he still needs help to remember precise facts. On the 29th of November he brings flowers home and Yuuri is even more surprised than the other years. 

“Yuri told me that it’s your birthday today,” Victor explains.

Yuuri blushes. He didn’t know if Victor would know about it or do something to celebrate. “Thank you,” he says, as he rises on his toes to kiss Victor over the flowers.

“I didn’t know what I could give you,” Victor adds. “I was afraid to give you something I had already given you or something you wouldn’t like.”

Yuuri shakes his head. “We never did much because it’s so close to the Grand Prix Final, we never really had time…”

Victor gives Yuuri an envelope. “Yuri said you liked ballet. I asked Lilia if she could get me good seats and she told me I had already gifted you tickets two years ago.”

Yuuri chuckles. In the envelope are two tickets for the Mariinsky ballet theater. He nods. “We have already been there but not for this ballet and not with these seats.”

“That’s what she told me,” Victor confirms. “I thought it could be another date?”

Yuuri hugs Victor before kissing him again. “Definitely.”

Victor doesn’t stop looking at the pictures from Barcelona in the following days and Yuuri can feel that he is deeply upset that he cannot remember anything. In early December Yuuri has an idea and decides to surprise Victor with a little time off together. He sits on the couch next to him and hands him two plane tickets.

"I thought we could take the weekend away,” he says happily. “It could be good for us to get some fresh air, we've barely gotten out of the apartment since we- since I came back."

“So close to the nationals?”

“I know, it’s just for the weekend.”

Victor looks at the tickets. "Spain?" 

Yuuri nods. "It's the perfect time of the year."

"Is it?" 

"There will be all the Christmas decorations like in 2016."

Yuuri is excited but Victor remains silent. He thought Yuuri really wanted a getaway but now it's clear that the whole plan is just to try and trigger his memory.

“Are you alright?” Yuuri asks when he sees that Victor doesn’t seem to like his idea.

"What if-” Victor chooses his words. “What if we go all the way to Barcelona and I don't remember anything?”

Yuuri shrugs. “Then we will have had a nice holiday together anyway. It’ll still be a new memory for us." 

“It won’t be the same.” 

Yuuri takes Victor’s face in his hands. His palms are warm on Victor’s cheeks. "It's ok, we just try?" 

Yuuri looks really happy and Victor doesn't want to disappoint him. He eventually nods. He looks at the plane tickets again. “First class?”

“Once I booked regular tickets and you complained all the way from St Petersburg to Osaka, I’m not making that mistake again.”

Victor looks like he will reply but changes his mind and just accepts the tickets. Sometimes it really feels like Yuuri knows him better than he knows himself.

When they pack for the trip Victor watches Yuuri fold his clothes, and the feeling of déjà vu hits him again. After three years of competitions they must have packed and unpacked together in many cities around the world. Yuuri catches him staring and has a bright smile behind his glasses. As he puts his things in his suitcase, his wedding ring shines in the light of the bedroom, and Victor looks at his own hand. He has never put his ring back on since the accident. He picks it up from the drawer of his nightstand and puts it in his suitcase. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Thank you for your amazing feedback on the first chapter, I would never have expected this many kudos and comments, it means a lot. <3
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this second chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> -The Sprout
> 
> Edit 31/01: next chapter is being beta-ed but it's a bit of a longer chapter so it takes time, I hope you understand. -The Sprout


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> This chapter was beta-ed by [Ashke50](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashke50/pseuds/Ashke50), it was a lot of work and I'm extremely grateful for her help in this project that wouldn't have been the same without her. Thank you !!!
> 
> -TheSprout

Barcelona is chilly at this time of the year, but it’s nowhere near as cold as it is in St Petersburg and so they still feel like they are taking a holiday away from the cold winter. Yuuri has high hopes that the place and the atmosphere will help Victor remember a few things. So far he has only remembered some simple moments and familiar feelings, maybe getting out of the apartment will bring the change his brain needs to bring back full memories.

They take it slow as they visit Barcelona. They stop by the rink after leaving their hotel room in the morning and Yuuri tells Victor about the 2016 final. Victor has had competitions in this town before but he doesn't remember being there at that time. Yuuri is slightly disappointed but doesn’t lose hope, they have the whole weekend for Victor to remember something. 

On Saturday afternoon they go shopping and Victor whines again about the euro exchange rate. When they walk down the main street with their arms heavy with their purchases, Yuuri tells Victor about the bag of nuts they forgot on a bench.   
“We had a small quarrel,” he says with a smile as he recalls the scene.

“Really? Over nuts?”

“It wasn’t that bad, we were both tired.”

“Did we argue often?”

“Not really but it happened… When you live with someone for a while I guess it’s bound to happen?”

Yuuri doesn’t seem disturbed at all and Victor once again readjusts his perception of what his marriage was like. At first and from the photos in his laptop, he thought that it was always all joy and laughter, but now he starts to understand the nuances of a long-term relationship, and somehow it makes him even more interested in getting to know Yuuri better. 

They spend the whole Sunday sightseeing. They have a great time visiting the town and going to a restaurant for lunch. The day is so nice that they forget their problems, and for a moment they don’t think about their constant fight to trigger Victor’s memory. For Yuuri it almost feels like a first trip abroad with his husband, and it couldn’t be more romantic.

In the evening they reach the Christmas market and Yuuri cannot help but glance at Victor from time to time to see if he recalls anything. The market is just like it was three years ago. Golden lights are everywhere over the stalls, people walk around with shopping bags and food wrapped in paper cones, it smells like hot wine and cinnamon. It makes Yuuri’s chest swell with happiness to live this again with Victor, he had missed these casual moments. 

When they have seen all the traditional shops Yuuri leads Victor to the end of the market and stops in front of the Dolores jewelry store. 

“This is where we bought our rings," he says, not without blushing at the memory. 

Victor looks up at the window of the store. He raises his eyebrows. He wasn’t expecting Yuuri to say this. He could honestly swear that he has never set a foot in this store in his life. The only memories he has of Barcelona are from times when he came for competitions before 2015. He wishes with all his heart that he could tell Yuuri that he remembers this precious moment, but his mind is just a big void. He looks at the store again, then at Yuuri, but nothing comes.

"I'm sorry,” he eventually says, and it hurts to see that Yuuri is disappointed. “I love visiting with you but I…” He shakes his head. “I don't think it's helping. I don’t know what I should remember I- maybe we shouldn’t have come-”

"Have you ever visited the church?” Yuuri cuts in, and Victor is stopped in his worries. It is probably the last thing they can do before they fly back home the next morning.

"No,” he says. He has never really had time to go visit monuments when he was there to skate.

Yuuri smiles. "We could stop by before going back to the hotel?"

Victor is surprised but nods. "We could.”

The atmosphere in the church makes Victor feel strange. He briefly wonders why Yuuri asked to come here, he had not noticed that he cared about religion or architecture. It smells like old stone and melted wax. The night makes the place quite dark and intimate, the aisles and the statues are only lit up by a few spots and the altar candles. Christmas decorations have been attached to the bench and the pillars. 

Yuuri wanders through the church. He is more upset than he would like to admit that Victor doesn't remember their last visit. He had really hoped that the market and the jewelry store would trigger a reaction in Victor’s brain, but during the whole weekend he has been completely neutral and has shown no sign that he remembered anything. Now they are close to flying back home, and as much as Yuuri told Victor that it was fine and that he had no pressure to remember anything, it still hurts him deeply that his plan has not worked. 

Yuuri walks up the center aisle. It's just like he remembers it. It was worth it waiting for Christmas to come back to Spain. The ambiance is completely different than it would have been at any other time of the year. The church decorations are the same as in his memory. He walks up the stairs to the corner where he stood with Victor to give him the ring. For a moment his heart tightens thinking that Victor might never remember this moment. It was an instant that only belonged to the two of them, and now only exists in his own memory. For this he has no pictures, no witness, no story to tell. It was just the two of them, suspended in time. 

He looks at the candles by the altar for a while before he realizes that Victor is not by his side anymore. He wandered off on his own when they entered the church. Yuuri looks around for a minute before he finds him again. 

The church is new to Victor, and he has walked around to see the sculptures and the sacred ornaments. He is now standing in front of a choir that has gathered in an alcove. The singers wear Christmas hats and shawls. Victor has heard the song they are singing before but he cannot remember when. 

There is something unsettling about this place, the flickering lights of the candles, the old stones, the candle smell, this choir song that sounds familiar. He turns around and sees Yuuri at the other end of the church, standing at the top of a few steps in front of a wrought iron fence at the end of the aisle. The bell of the church rings and the vibration echoes in Victor’s mind.

The memory comes back to him so clearly and so suddenly that he almost feels dizzy. It feels like he just missed a step and his heart skipped a beat. The scene is so bright in his mind and the feelings so strong that he needs a moment to fully understand what he is seeing. In a flash it is like he had never forgotten it at all. 

He remembers standing there on top of those steps with Yuuri, exchanging the rings that they had just bought at the store next to the Christmas market. He hears Yuuri's voice again, quiet and yet confident, telling him it would be his lucky charm for the final. He remembers the blush on Yuuri’s cheeks and the way his eyes glimmered in the soft light of the candles, how he had taken Victor’s glove off to slide the ring onto his finger and Victor had taken his hand to do the same. He recalls how Yuuri’s hand felt in his hand, warm and soft, and his smile when Victor had told him to do his best the next day. 

The happiness is almost overwhelming for Victor. He remembers how moved he was and how right it felt to accept Yuuri’s ring and to give him one in return. There had been no doubt or hesitation, even though Yuuri’s decision had come out of the blue, Victor knew he was ready and nothing could have made him happier than to accept Yuuri’s ring. He almost wants to cry that he was able to remember something so beautiful.

For long seconds Victor remains still, flooded by the emotions, replaying this precious memory in his head again and again, watching it like it’s the first time he sees it, and yet knowing, deep down, that he had kept it in his heart all this time. 

“Victor? Are you alright?” Yuuri asks as he comes up to him and finds Victor still looking into the void, lost in his thoughts with a strange look on his face. “Do you wanna go back to the hotel?”

Victor looks up and Yuuri knows. Victor’s expression, the love in his eyes and the joy in his smile, it means everything.

“I’m alright,” Victor says slowly. “They were singing the same song last time we came. When we exchanged our lucky charms."

Yuuri's relief is too big for words. He is almost shaking. For the first time in weeks it feels like he is not the only one bearing the memories of their relationship. Finally after seeing so little progress for so long, he can see a glimmer of hope. He hugs Victor tight, like he never wants to lose him again. 

"I’m sorry I forgot about this,” Victor mutters in Yuuri’s ear as he holds him close. “I don’t even know how it’s possible to forget it.”

Yuuri rests against his chest. “I thought you would never remember and I- I was sad.”

Victor kisses the top of his head. “No, I remember, we were right there,” he says as he gestures toward the top of the steps. “I think… It was a lucky charm for me too. I’m so lucky to have you.”

They slowly walk back to the hotel. The bliss of finally remembering something significant is so strong that Victor feels like he’s walking on a cloud. Yuuri shares his enthusiasm but in a more measured manner. It feels like all these weeks of effort are finally paying off. After all this time putting his pain aside to be strong for Victor and help him recover, he almost doesn’t know how to react to this progress.

It is still dark later that night when Victor wakes up in their hotel room. He turns in the bed and tries to fall back to sleep but something feels wrong. Next to him Yuuri is shaking. Victor rises on his elbow to look at him. Yuuri is sleeping, but his brows are knitted and his cheeks are wet. Victor brushes his arm. Yuuri doesn’t react. Victor rubs his back gently.

“Yuuri?”

Yuuri blinks. The sobs stop briefly while he understands that he had a nightmare, but then he looks at Victor and he is crying again. For a moment Victor doesn’t know what to do, Yuuri can barely breathe between the tears and his whole body is trembling like a leaf. Victor hugs him tight and Yuuri leans against him. 

“Hey there,” Victor whispers as he wipes Yuuri’s tears with his thumb. “What’s going on?”

Yuuri gasps for air a couple of times before he manages to string words together. “I dreamed that you didn’t remember me again.”

Victor brushes Yuuri’s cheek and tries to dry his tears. “Yuuri… It was just a dream.”

Yuuri shakes his head. “It happened for real.”

Yuuri looks at him and his eyes are full of tears but the fear and the reproach they show cut into Victor’s heart. Victor realizes that there is more to it than a bad dream. 

“It happened,” Yuuri sobs, “and I- I’m always afraid it’ll happen again.”

“No... No it won’t.”

“I'm happy that you remember things but now I- I-”

“Yuuri-”

“I’m afraid that you won’t remember me and you will push me away again.”

Saying it out loud makes it worse and Yuuri can’t stop crying. Ever since Victor started remembering things, Yuuri has feared that his progress would stop or even that he would relapse. The memories of Victor in the hospital treating him like a stranger and telling him that they were not meant to be together are still white hot in his heart, and he doesn’t want to live that ever again.    
Victor rubs his back and Yuuri knows that he should stop but he can’t hold back the things he has to say. They haunt his nights and he needs them out.

“You said that our relationship wasn’t important and that’s why you forgot. Do you think it’s important now?”

Big tears are rolling down Yuuri’s cheeks. He tries to hold them back but they flow out of control.

“Yuuri-”

“You said we weren’t meant to be together.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I thought- I thought you’d never remember anything. I thought I was alone-”

“Yuuri…”

Yuuri’s eyes are so red and full of tears that he cannot see in front of him. “I didn’t know what to do without you.”

It’s the first time that Yuuri expresses how hard it has been for him. So far he had managed to keep these worries to himself, to ignore them so that he could be there for Victor, but now with the relief of Victor remembering he has let his guard down, and these feelings have taken over. All this pain and the fears that he had buried to be strong while he was helping Victor are back and he cannot stop them. The sadness of losing his husband left a wound in his chest that is still not healed. 

Victor understands that he is not the only one who suffered while they were apart. This feeling he had that something was wrong in his life when they were apart, the loneliness, the helplessness, Yuuri also lived through all of this. And instead of having a caring and supportive husband to take care of him, he had to take it upon himself to ignore his own feelings and help Victor despite the difficulties they were going through. For a second Victor wonders how he could be so blind that he didn’t see the efforts Yuuri was making and how hurt he was behind his smiles. 

“I’m here now,” Victor says, unable to find better words as he hugs Yuuri. “I’m sorry. It’s over now.”

"Is it?" 

"I- I don't remember everything, but I'm here.” Victor holds Yuuri for long minutes. He doesn’t know what to say. It seems that only time and love will help Yuuri recover. They need to build trust again in their relationship, it took them three years to build what they had and now it has been shattered and they cannot rebuild it overnight.

Eventually Yuuri sniffles and wipes his cheeks with the sheet. He manages to catch his breath and calm his heart. He feels lighter to have shared his pain with Victor and to have had a good cry. His eyes hurt but his chest feels better. He looks up and fears that Victor will be mad or will resent him for accusing him of something he had no power over, but Victor is just holding him and looking at him worriedly.

“I didn’t know you still felt this way,” Victor mutters.

“I didn’t want to make you feel bad. It wasn’t your fault.”

“It makes me feel worse that I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“I didn’t see that you were worried. I’m sorry. I’ll be more careful.”

Victor holds Yuuri tighter. Seeing his sadness makes him hurt too. He has never felt close enough to someone to share their pain on this level. He wishes Yuuri would never suffer again. Never cry again, especially not because of him. He brushes Yuuri’s hair until Yuuri relaxes. He takes Yuuri’s hand. When he wraps his fingers around his, he feels the shape of his ring. 

Victor gets up from the bed. He fumbles in his suitcase and comes back next to Yuuri. He opens his hand to reveal his wedding band in his palm.

“When they gave it back to me at the hospital... I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know what it was like to be married. It was kinda scary to be honest. But now… I think I’m starting to understand.”

These vows that Victor doesn’t remember saying, they make more and more sense to him. Seeing Yuuri sad and distraught, sharing his pain and wanting to make it go away, now Victor begins to see what it means to be with someone for better and for worse.

Yuuri picks up the ring from Victor’s hand. He turns it between his fingers to look at the half snowflake inside. It felt strange to see Victor not wearing it these past few months. 

“All these things I said…” Victor continues. “I didn’t realize how wrong I was. I hope one day you can forgive me.”

Yuuri sniffles. “I forgive you. I just need time.” He smiles and holds the ring up. “And I need my husband back.”

Victor cannot believe how lucky he is as he watches Yuuri slide the ring back onto his finger. He almost shivers. He thought it would feel weird to wear it, that it would be wrong and he would feel trapped, but it’s nothing like that. Victor closes his hand and feels the ring between his knuckles. It is like he has always worn this ring and it is now back where it belongs. He looks up at Yuuri. His eyes are red from crying but he is smiling. “It’ll be our good luck charm for you to remember a lot of other memories.”

Victor leans in to kiss him. “I’ll do my best.”

  
  


When they fly back home it feels like they have taken a new step together. For Victor, who has remembered an important event he had forgotten and begun to understand his relationship with Yuuri, and for Yuuri, who has admitted his feelings and felt close enough again to his husband to express them. He can almost get a glimpse of their normal relationship again and it feels like a new beginning.

  
  


Back in St Petersburg Yuuri gets busy with the last training sessions he can have before flying to Japan for the Nationals, and has a little bit less time to help Victor in their everyday life. Luckily Victor is becoming more and more independent and keeps making small progress everyday. He now knows his way around the apartment and knows where Yuuri’s things go and where they store basic necessities. He can buy groceries and remember Yuuri’s tastes and favorite snacks. He learns that Yuuri is not a morning person but will stay up late at night, that he watches what he eats because he tends to put on weight easily, and that the only limit to his stamina and his determination on the ice is the closing time of the rink. Sometimes Victor thinks about the time after his accident where he thought that Yuuri was just a random guy who liked dogs, and the extent of his mistake makes him physically cringe.

At the end of the first week of December they watch the Grand Prix Final on TV together. They lie on the couch, Yuuri over Victor and Makkachin on their legs. Victor doesn’t remember the years where he didn’t take part in the Grand Prix, and Yuuri can see that it is strange for him not to compete anymore. Over the past months he has slowly begun to accept that he retired for good, but Yuuri knows that he still hasn't completely come to term with it. They watch the warm ups silently.

“Do you regret not being there?” Victor asks when the first group starts and the skaters step onto the ice.

Yuuri shakes his head. Even if Victor still doesn’t fully understand it, for Yuuri it has never even really been a question. Victor would probably not be there with him if he had left him to compete. He wouldn’t have left Victor for any medal in the world. “No," he says as he brushes Victor's hair with his fingers. “It was more important for me to be here for you.” 

Victor knows that if Yuuri had not been there for him he wouldn’t be enjoying this cosy life with his husband and his dog. He could not be more grateful towards Yuuri. He hugs him tight and kisses his cheek. "Thank you." 

The programs of the season are more beautiful than ever and they hold their breath during the whole competition broadcast to see who will get the gold. When the last scores appear they realize that they disagree, and argue about who should have won. 

“I’m not saying Yuri shouldn’t have won,” Yuuri says, “I’m saying Russians tend to be overscored.”

Victor audibly gasps. “What- Are you sure we’re married?”

Yuuri chuckles. “We are so married, I know you always react like that when I tease you about the Russian team.”

“Because you do it often !?”

“Everytime you guys are overscored, which means yes, quite often.”

Victor's eyes get even wider at Yuuri’s impudence. “What- you can’t say this!”

Yuuri smiles guiltily. Victor is always cute when he gets worked up about this, and Yuuri always reminds him that he is still the greatest skater of all time, and gives him kisses and praise until he is forgiven. Yuuri’s lashes flutter and his hand caresses Victor’s chest. His voice is velvet. “I’m sorry I made you upset… What can I do to make you feel better?”

Victor’s mood changes on the spot. Yuuri has a naughty pout and Victor knows that Yuuri is playing with him but he is already too aroused to be mad at him. Yuuri bites his lips suggestively and Victor gets up, turns off the TV, and carries Yuuri to the bedroom. They don’t need to watch the podium ceremony. 

  
  


Victor’s memory comes back, piece by piece, slowly but surely. From time to time he remembers a day, a scene, a feeling. It is always quite random and unexpected but little by little his brain manages to piece together the memories of their relationship. The more he recalls the more his feelings for Yuuri grow. Being with him feels right and comforting and, even if he still doesn’t understand how they met, Victor is more and more convinced that he needs to trust his heart and keep progressing with Yuuri.

Now Yuuri knows when Victor remembers something. There is a look in his eyes, a slight pause in his movement. It’s a few seconds where he is in his own head and he is feeling and seeing things that he had no idea he had lived before. Sometimes Yuuri asks what Victor just remembered. Most of the time though, he lets Victor decide if he wants to tell him. Victor shares his enthusiasm when he remembers the day Yuuri moved in with him, and his concerns when he recalls their first big argument as a married couple. Yuuri always finds it incredibly endearing to listen to Victor talk about their daily life and tell their story through his eyes and his heart. 

Sometimes Victor has a good day and he remembers a lot of things at once. Every time he remembers something it feels like falling backward into a hole. The images pop into his mind and somehow they make sense to his brain, and in a fraction of a second he is taken back into the past as he remembers a scene, an event, a whole day, a few weeks all at once. 

It happens that day during practice at the rink. Yuuri takes a bad fall and Victor clenches his teeth as he sees this fall, and all the previous ones. He remembers Yuuri’s weakness in his jumps when his nerves prevent him from doing his best. It took him a while to learn to be a coach again, and at first he thought he’d just need to copy what Yakov used to do, but he is now realizing that he needs to know more about Yuuri to be a better coach for him. He waits for Yuuri to come up to the barrier to bend over and whisper :

“I want to tell you that your axel was sloppy but I have the feeling that I’ve been telling you that every day for the past three years.”

Yuuri smiles and rises on his toe-picks to kiss Victor over the barrier. He loves it when Victor remembers something, even when it’s a bad thing. It is always a breath of fresh air for both of them. Suddenly they feel lighter, happier, better together. “And it’s the first time I’m happy to hear you say it.”

Victor learns that winter in Russia is much more bearable when he can cuddle with his husband during the cold nights. He cannot get enough of holding Yuuri under the blanket. Sometimes Yuuri holds him in his arms and Victor sleeps like a baby, warm between his husband and his dog, and he cannot imagine ever sleeping alone again. Since they have gotten intimate again Victor is so frequently in the mood that after another evening in bed, Yuuri jokes that he feels like he is reliving their honeymoon. Victor kisses the top of Yuuri’s head.

“I think I remember our wedding night,” Victor says slowly, and Yuuri blinks in surprise. For a second he fears that Victor doesn't actually remember, but instead has made up a memory of the perfect wedding night to make him happy or to fill the void in his brain. “Really?”

Victor smiles. He nods. “We were too drunk and too tired to do anything, we fell asleep without taking our shirts off.”

Yuuri’s heart swells. It’s true. While they have had incredibly passionate nights since then, this one was definitely not one of their proudest moments. "How did you remember?" 

"Last night when you fell asleep on me and you still had your T-shirt on."

Sometimes casual moments trigger full memories in Victor’s mind, and this time, seeing Yuuri flushed and asleep but still half clothed had triggered just the right part of his brain. He can see the scene like it was yesterday now. Themselves, slowly walking into their wedding suite, awkwardly trying to take off their shoes and tuxedos but struggling, and Yuuri asking him to carry him to the bed because his feet hurt. After months of preparation and almost twenty-four hours of celebration with family and friends, they were both dreaming of a good night of sleep together. 

“How about… we just sleep tonight?” Victor had asked as Yuuri was clinging onto him, his arms around his neck as he carried him across the bedroom.

Yuuri had nodded with gratitude and kissed him as they lay on the bed. “I love you so much.”

The next morning they go through the pictures of their wedding together and Victor finds bits and pieces that he remembers. He remembers the excitement and the happiness of the day, the crowd around them, and the emotion of the ceremony. He recalls how long it took to plan everything and how worth it it was just to see Yuuri smile at him at the altar. 

“Makka peed on the flowers,” Victor says as he looks at a picture of a flower arrangement.

Yuuri chuckles. Victor often brings up random moments that Yuuri had himself forgotten. “She did. She didn’t like the smell.”

“It was a great day anyway.”

Yuuri’s heart flutters. Remembering this moment with Victor makes him feel warm inside. “It was.”

Yuuri takes every occasion he has outside of training to help Victor and try to trigger his memory, without either being too pushy and making him stressed. One evening they are watching a series and they are halfway through the second season before Victor realizes that they have already seen it and he can even remember the plot twist at the end. He pouts at Yuuri for almost an hour. 

“Why didn’t you tell me we had already watched it? It’s not funny!”

Yuuri has a guilty smile. “I was fine with watching it again with you, and I thought maybe doing things that you’ve already done could help you. It kinda worked?”

Despite his attempts to stay away from the icy storm of St Petersburg in December, Yuuri catches a nasty cold and has to stay in bed for a couple of days to make sure to recover quickly and get back on the ice as soon as possible. Victor finds himself much more worried than he should be for a common cold and his heart aches every time Yuuri sneezes. He brings him his meals in the bedroom and checks on him while he’s sleeping. When he brings him a fresh glass of water he kisses Yuuri on the forehead and Yuuri moans weakly : “Don’t come close, you’ll catch it too.”

Victor blinks. He feels almost offended that Yuuri would think that. He couldn’t care less about catching Yuuri’s cold. Not for one second did he consider staying away from him to protect himself. In fact, he is positive he’d take Yuuri’s illness and be sick instead of him if he could. He is actually almost scared of how much he cares about Yuuri and how deeply affected he is when something happens to him. He is not sure he could live without him anymore. 

Yuuri keeps telling Victor that he doesn’t have to take care of him like that but Victor loves to stay by his side and listen to him grumbling tiredly while he blows his nose every other minute. And no matter what he says, Yuuri is relieved that Victor is helping him and watching over him, and nothing makes him feel better than seeing Victor next to him when he wakes up from his nap.

  
  


At the end of the month they get ready to fly to Japan for the national Championships. They are planning to stay at the Yu-topia and only stay a couple of nights in Osaka for the competition. Victor is visibly anxious while they pack their luggage. The thought of meeting his in-laws, knowing that they have met before but being unable to remember them, is nerve wracking. Now that he sees how kind and caring Yuuri is, and how lucky he is to have him, he is deeply ashamed of what he made him go through just a couple of months earlier, and he would understand if his in-laws didn’t want to have him under their roof anymore.

“Do I need to pack a swimsuit?” Victor asks as he sees Yuuri put his swimming trunks in his suitcase.

“For the beach, yes.”

“It’s close to the beach?”

“Yeah it’s great with Makkachin. We have lots of pictures of it, remember?”

Victor shakes his head. He has tried to look at the pictures and has asked Yuuri about their stays in Japan but his memory is still a black hole and nothing Yuuri says really makes sense to him. For Yuuri it is a simple trip back home, but for Victor it feels like a jump into the unknown. 

Yuuri sees his uneasiness. He comes to hug him. “It’ll be alright. I’ll be there with you at all times.”

“What if your parents-”

“You heard them on the phone yesterday, it wasn’t that bad?”

“I couldn’t understand anything…”

Yuuri sits on the bed and pats the mattress to tell Victor to join him. “You don’t remember but... two years ago while we were at the Rostelecom Cup, we had left Makkachin at my parent’s place. She swallowed a bun with the wrapper and Mari had to take her to the vet. She called us and you flew back to Japan between the short program and the free skate. Mari stayed with you overnight at the vet and then my father brought you back home and my mom made you breakfast and prepared your bed so you could rest.”

Victor is holding his breath as he listens to Yuuri. The idea that something happened to Makkachin while he was abroad is already distressing, and then the fact that he abandoned Yuuri in the middle of a competition and Yuuri’s whole family had to get involved is an absolute disaster scenario.

“I’m not saying this to make you feel bad,” Yuuri says when he sees that Victor seems even more worried than he already was. He brushes Victor’s arm and takes his hand. “I mean that you’re a part of the family, like me or Mari, and they would never hold it against you that you had an accident. They’re here to support you, just like I am.”

Victor doesn’t remember being part of a family. He has not been part of a family in a really long time. He is not sure he knows what it’s like anymore. It doesn’t help calm his nerves.

They take a taxi from the airport to Yu-topia. Victor can see that Makkachin is excited to arrive but he himself doesn’t recognize the town.

When they walk into the inn Victor stays behind Yuuri. He doesn’t know if he should bow to his in-laws when he sees them, or shake their hands, what he should call them, what is the proper etiquette in Japan or how close he actually is to them. In the pictures he saw they seemed to all be quite close to each other, but he is not sure that he can actually act familiarly with people he only sees a few times a year. Plus, he still fears that they will resent him for what he made Yuuri go through over the past month, and for how impolite it is that he has forgotten that he lived at their home for almost a year and had no interest in remembering at first. 

Yuuri loudly announces that they are home as he takes off his shoes in the entrance. Victor looks around. It is quite warm in the main room compared to the freezing wind outside. The light is soft. There is ambient noise, the clinking of plates and bowls, and the quiet whisper of the voices of the patrons in the next room. It smells like salted fish and fried food. Victor has never been there before and yet the atmosphere feels familiar. 

Yuuri’s mother arrives. She happily wiggles her way to Victor, and before he can react or think about basic politeness, she takes him into her arms and hugs him without restraint. The surprise, the strength and the warmth of her embrace make Victor’s brain keel over. Maybe it’s the exhaustion of the travel or the stress, but suddenly he is soft and weak inside like a kid being hugged by his mother. He remembers how loving and caring Yuuri’s mother has been for him and how grateful he is that she accepted him into her family so quickly and unconditionally. He remembers all these little attentions she paid him, and her happiness at seeing him and Yuuri together.

Yuuri coughs awkwardly at the unexpected display of affection. Hiroko pulls back. “I’m sorry. Vicchan, I’m Yuuri’s mother.”

“I know,” Victor says, “...I remember.”

Yuuri blinks. "You do?" 

Victor nods. "Yeah." 

Yuuri hugs him tight. He had feared that their life in Japan was too far in Victor’s mind for him to remember. He thought Victor might never remember the year they spent here after they met and the relationship that he had with Yuuri’s family. 

“See Yuuri? I told you he would be fine!” Hiroko says, perfectly undisturbed. “Vicchan I got your room ready for you and Yuuri, you can take your luggage upstairs, Yuuri will show you where it is if you forgot.”

Victor follows Yuuri upstairs. They walk into a large bedroom and Victor notices a few items that definitely belong to him : a marble bust, a set of lamps, a painting. He has no idea how they arrived here. On the bed are two towels and two green outfits and Victor raises an eyebrow. He unfolds what looks like a bathrobe. “My mom prepared us towels and outfits for the hot springs,” Yuuri explains.

“The hot springs?”

“We usually go take a dip after we arrive, it’s great after a long flight and at this hour it’s closed to the public.”

Victor is glad to see that they are the only ones in the onsen. He hadn’t seen any pictures of the place and he didn’t really know what to expect, but he is pleasantly surprised. Several pools of steaming spring water are surrounded by smooth rocks and statues. It is beautiful and cosy and it’s just what Victor needs, a little bit of quiet time with Yuuri to take in the new place and the new memories. The heat and the steam soon help him relax and he manages to calm down after the anxiety of their arrival. 

“Do you remember things around here?” Yuuri asks.

Victor shakes his head. “Not really.”

“We had not been here in a while when you had your accident. The memory wasn’t very fresh.”

“Do we come here often?”

“A couple of months in the summer and a few weeks in winter, we arrive for the nationals and we stay a little bit. We can train at the local rink so we can stay longer.”

Victor imagines this for a moment. Spending several months a year away from St Petersburg, in a resort by the beach, enjoying the hot springs with his husband and being able to skate at the local rink. He slides down into the steaming water until it covers his shoulders and relaxes the muscles of his neck. “It sounds nice.”

The next day they walk to the Hasetsu rink and the air from the sea brought by the cold wind makes Victor feel at home. He remembers the old man who fishes from the bridge, but he has no idea who the Nishigoris are. Yuuri gives him bits of information while he ties his skates. 

“Yuuko and Takeshi are old friends of mine. They manage the rink, that’s why we have privileged access during the season. They have triplets : Axel, Lutz, and Loop.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. They are big fans of you but be careful, they post everything on social media.”

Victor enjoys the luxury of having the rink to themselves. It’s hardly ever possible to be alone on the ice in St Petersburg, even for a World Champion, but now he only shares it with Yuuri, and it is a privilege he didn’t know he wanted. Watching Yuuri dance just for him and seeing him red and sweaty in his tight training gear makes Victor wonder how he actually manages to coach his husband when Yakov is not there to chaperone them. 

The practice session goes really well, Yuuri seems more at ease in his home rink than he was in Russia, and Victor is convinced that he is more than ready for the nationals.

Takeshi arrives at the end of the morning to open the rink to the public in the afternoon. Victor is slightly taken aback when Takeshi introduces himself to him by speaking very loudly and enunciating syllables, as if Victor had severe comprehension issues.

“Vic-tor-I-am-Yuuri’s-friend,” he shouts. “DO-YOU-RE-MEM-BER-ME?”

Yuuri cringes. “Victor just forgot some stuff, he didn’t become deaf.”

Victor nods to confirm. Takeshi winces awkwardly . “Sorry, I didn’t know what to do, I wasn’t sure how bad it was.” For a second he looks sad and his voice gets quieter. “Yuuko and the kids were really worried… Anyway, I’m glad to see you’re doing well.”

Victor is once again surprised that people he doesn’t even know care about him. “It’s alright,” he says. “I’m getting better thanks to Yuuri. Thank you for letting us use the rink.”

Takeshi laughs out loud as his natural joviality comes back. He pats Yuuri on the shoulder a bit too strongly. “Yuuri and you are always welcome here, just bring back all the medals you can get!”

When they are not at the rink they take long walks on the beach with Makkachin. The weather is freezing but the ocean spray is fortifying. Makkachin plays in the waves. Yuuri holds Victor’s hand as they walk in the sand. Victor loves Hasetsu a little more every day.

Soon they have been in Japan for a week and all of Victor’s fears are gone. It is very refreshing to see that Yuuri’s family doesn't make a big deal of his amnesia. They don't mind if he doesn't remember basic things, they never point it out when they can avoid it and they are always very nice when they explain something that he should remember, without taking offense. Mari teases him lightly for being even more forgetful than usual, but she shows him the way in the onsen kitchen and storage rooms and is always helpful when he needs something. On the whole they treat him normally, as if the accident had never happened, and Victor is very grateful for that. 

  
  


They take the train to Osaka for the Japanese nationals and Victor is glad that Yuuri knows the protocol of the event because he himself has no idea what he is doing, no matter if Yuuri tells him that they have done this three times together already. Victor is actually more nervous than he’d like to admit in front of Yuuri. It’s his first public appearance since his accident. There will be a lot of people, lots of cameras, it will all be on TV. If he makes a mistake people will see it and start asking questions about his health, and the mere thought of it gives him headaches. 

Yuuri is also quite anxious. For a few days he has not stopped thinking that it’ll be his first competition of the season and that his preparation was different than usual due to Victor’s accident and skipping the Grand Prix. Plus he is the oldest of the group this year, and he is starting to see that his body is getting tired and that younger skaters are technically stronger than him. On top of all of that, Victor is still recovering. He is nowhere near the same coach Yuuri is used to, nor the same husband, and Yuuri’s already fragile mental state is suffering from the lack of emotional support. 

Yuuri barely sleeps the night before the short program and struggles to wake up in the morning. He checks his bag three times without really paying attention. His stomach is too tight to eat anything for breakfast. Victor watches him get ready but he doesn’t really know what to do beside making sure they are on time. Yuuri knows that he should not resent Victor for being clueless in his coach role, but it still upsets him. When they finally leave their hotel room he is tortured by his worries, and it is getting worse by the minute.

They arrive at the rink and Yuuri makes sure that Victor gets his coach badge before he heads to the locker room. He puts on his costume and his skates without thinking. His fingers are shaking when he ties his boots. Victor usually ties his laces for him but this time he doesn’t, and Yuuri gets stupidly irritated over it. When he is finally ready his chest is so tight with stress that he can barely breathe. His ears are buzzing. He feels nauseated. He sits down on a bench to try and get his stomach in check and covers his face with his hands in an attempt to calm down. He hears the call for the warm-up on the loudspeakers but he is frozen in place. He should get up and walk to the barrier but his legs don’t respond. He feels so light-headed it’s like the slightest move will make him pass out, and so he remains perfectly still, paralyzed by anxiety.

“Yuuri?”

It’s Victor. It’s Victor’s voice and Victor’s cologne.

“Yuuri? Are you alright?”

What will Victor think seeing him like this?

“Come on, let’s get some fresh air.”

Yuuri shakes his head. “There’s no time-”

“There’s time. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you when we need to go.”

Victor extends his hand for Yuuri to take and Yuuri holds onto it for dear life. They walk out through the back door. The weather is freezing and the wind stings Yuuri’s cheeks. Victor takes off his trench coat and wraps it around Yuuri who is only wearing his skating costume. The cold wakes Yuuri up from his torpor and the cloud of cologne from Victor's coat calms his nausea. After a couple of minutes he manages to take a few steps to stretch his legs. Slowly, he breathes again and calms down enough to head back to the rink.

Victor doesn’t find the right words when Yuuri’s time to skate comes. Yuuri steps onto the ice but his mind is not focused at all. He should think about his jumps and his moves and instead his brain is full of stress that doesn’t let him string two coherent thoughts together. He is on autopilot. 

His short program is mediocre, at best. At the end of the day he is in fourth behind young skaters and his mood is terrible. Victor wasn’t expecting this, Yuuri was doing so well during practice, this competition was supposed to be a formality, merely a warm up before the Four Continents.

He is not used to seeing Yuuri upset and angry and he doesn’t know what he should do to make him feel better. He feels guilty that he didn’t realize how bad Yuuri felt and wasn’t able to help him. They barely exchange a word during the end of the afternoon.

Yuuri’s mood doesn’t improve when the night comes. He still has to skate the next morning but it’s almost impossible to catch up with the points now, especially if he can’t get over his nerves. 

He has not said a word in over two hours when he finally comes to bed. Victor hesitates, but he sits up and turns toward Yuuri.

“Does it happen often?” he asks.

Yuuri looks away. He wishes he could just forget about today and tomorrow and hide forever.

“It’s ok if you don’t wanna talk about it… I’m just worried about you.”

Victor’s voice is soft and concerned and Yuuri doesn’t have the heart to ignore him.

“Yeah. It happens sometimes. I should’ve told you but I thought- I thought I’d be alright for the nationals.”

“It happens to a lot of skaters.”

“We got better at dealing with it but sometimes-” Yuuri’s voice breaks. He hates to admit that after all these years he is still unable to handle his stress. He feels weak.

“It’s alright,” Victor says as he hugs Yuuri. “I don’t know what I usually tell you or what I should do to help you… From what I saw, from the videos and from your training, you are more than capable of winning this. You’re stronger than you think.”

Yuuri doesn’t say anything. He rests his head against Victor’s chest and the vibrations of his voice soothe his anxiety. During the whole afternoon he had stayed away from Victor because he was upset and ashamed, and now he realizes he actually really needed a hug. He closes his eyes and keeps listening.

“You’ve been so strong lately, even with all the problems we’ve had because of me… I don’t know if I could have done half of what you did. You keep impressing me everyday. I know you can do it tomorrow, I’m sure I knew it before my accident and now you’ve convinced me again.”

Yuuri sighs. “I’m not sure I can.”

“I believe in you.”

“I don’t.”

“I’ll believe in you for two then.”

Yuuri has a sad smile. “It’s too late now anyway.”

Victor pauses. “I think you still have a good chance at the podium. With the jumps you’ve planned in the second half, you can catch up.”

“You think so?”

Victor arms are warm. Yuuri doesn’t want to move. Victor kisses the top of Yuuri’s head. “I’m sure of it.”

The next morning Victor is more careful to take care of Yuuri. He wakes him up with a long hug. He brings breakfast to make sure that Yuuri eats something. He prepares Yuuri’s bag in advance so Yuuri has more time in the shower. He combs Yuuri’s hair back for the performance and his touch helps Yuuri relax. He repeats what he told him the night before. They go over the program again together. It’s small things, but this time Yuuri doesn’t feel like he is carrying all the stress alone, he knows that Victor is here to support him. 

When the time to skate comes Victor kneels in front of Yuuri and takes off his gloves. Yuuri watches him pull on the laces of his skates to tie them. 

“You always do this for me.”

“Do I?”

Yuuri nods. 

“How do they feel?” Victor asks when Yuuri stands up.

The skates feel better when it’s Victor who ties them. “Perfect.”

The loudspeakers call Yuuri’s name. Victor bends over the barrier.

“What do I say as last minute advice?”

“Just be yourself.”

Victor taps a long finger on his lips in a thoughtful moment. “I’d say “be careful with the lutz and check your free leg in the last spin”.”

Yuuri chuckles. “Yeah that’s about as you as it gets.”

“Go get this gold medal.”

“Don’t take your eyes off me.”

Yuuri takes off and Victor blinks. Yuuri’s words ring a bell. 

Yuuri skates beautifully. His moves are much better than the day before. After the first minute Victor is confident that Yuuri can get a high score this time. At least he is, until Yuuri changes his second jump and Victor frowns. Maybe Yuuri is getting tired and he decided to move the combo earlier in the program. Yuuri places the combo anyway and Victor’s confusion increases. He has no idea what Yuuri is doing. His heart is almost beating harder than if he were the one skating. He thought being a coach would be boring, staying by the barrier and waiting while holding the skate guards and the water bottle, but it’s nothing like that. He is practically holding his breath during the whole program. Yuuri’s last jump is coming. Victor watches him change the step sequence leading to the jump and the panic makes him clench his fists on the barrier. The preparation for the salchow is wrong. Victor’s stomach squeezes. Yuuri jumps. It's a flip. The landing is clean. 

The surprise and the relief that crash over Victor make his knees wobble. How did he coach Yuuri for three whole years if everytime he skates he gives him a heart attack? Surely that’s why his hairline is receding. Yuuri waves at the crowd and turns toward Victor. He looks so proud and happy. He is still panting from the effort but his smile is wider than ever and his cheeks are bright pink. He is glowing. 

Somehow Victor feels like Yuuri has done this before. He thought the competition would remind him of Yuuri's medals, his previous programs, his other championships, but now it's a completely different kind of memory that comes to his mind. Yuuri skates toward Victor and the memory of their first kiss blossoms in Victor's heart. 

Yuuri steps off the ice and reaches for his skate guards. Victor scoops him by the waist, catches him when he leans back, and kisses him. 

Yuuri smiles. “Did you like it?” he asks cheekily when Victor pulls back.

“You’re going to kill me doing things like that.”

“You’re the one who taught me to surprise people.”

“Surprise your audience, not give your coach a heart attack.”

Victor kisses Yuuri again. It feels like everyday he gets to know Yuuri more and it gets better.

A cough comes from one of the staff. Yuuri pulls back. “We need to go to the kiss and cry.”

Victor looks up. The big screen camera is showing the empty bench where they should both already be sitting.

Yuuri’s free skate brings him just enough points to catch up and win gold. Victor has never felt so proud of a medal that isn’t even his. 

Back at Yutopia Hiroko prepares large bowls of pork cutlet for everyone to celebrate Yuuri’s victory, and Victor is eager to eat. When he takes his first bite he melts at the delicious taste. It's already a great dish when Yuuri makes it at home in St Petersburg, but this one made by Hiroko, with Japanese products, in the Yutopia kitchen, it tastes different. Victor pauses for a moment. It tastes like when he ate it the first time he arrived in Japan to meet Yuuri. He remembers arriving from the airport, meeting Yuuri's parents at the reception desk and then dropping his luggage to go take a dip in the onsen. He opens a gaping mouth.

"When we met I was naked!" he gasps out of the blue in the middle of dinner.

There's a long silence around the table, and then Yuuri laughs and his family follows. "Yeah." 

Victor shakes his head in panic. "I stood up when you arrived but I didn’t realize the water wasn't high enough and then it was too late and-" 

"Hey, it's ok," Yuuri chuckles as he brushes Victor's arm gently. "You're going to give yourself another headache. It's normal to be naked in the onsen, and I never complained." 

Victor is red but he eventually laughs with the others. It always feels strange to remember unexpected memories out of the blue. 

That night Victor stays awake late after Yuuri has fallen asleep. He’s glad that he can remember his first visit to the onsen, but something still disturbs him deeply. He cannot understand what prompted him to fly to Japan. He cannot explain why he suddenly had the idea of traveling right after the end of the season, especially why he decided to come directly to Yuuri's home. He has tried to look at the pictures and the press articles from 2016 to understand what happened but he has not noticed anything out of the ordinary during his skating season. When he finally falls asleep the only reasonable explanation he has found is that he got to know Yuuri at another competition of the season after the Grand Prix and decided to join him afterwards. 

The next day Victor walks down for breakfast and Hiroko is dusting the inside of a glass cabinet in the main room. It’s in front of the reception desk, where all the patrons can see it when they arrive. All of Yuuri’s medals are displayed in it, from his very early achievements to the latest one from the day before that Hiroko just added. There are participation trophies and medals he won as a kid, and then regional medals, national, up to his Grand Prix and World medals that are right in the front for everyone to see. Victor quickly notices that there are no medals for the 2015/2016 season. 

“Did Yuuri not medal at the World Championships in 2016?” Victor asks.

Hiroko shakes her head. “He came back home early that season. He was feeling a bit down because of Vicchan. We were really happy to have him at home. He ate a lot of katsudon and he became quite chubby that year, he was really cute-”

“Mom!”

It’s Yuuri. He walked downstairs just in time to stop his mother from embarrassing him in front of his husband. 

“Vicchan loves you even more when you’re chubby,” Hiroko coos shamelessly. She dusts one last trophy and happily wiggles away. Yuuri is red but Victor has not paid attention to what Hiroko just said.

“What is this?” he asks as he points at a medal that is slightly on the side, separated from the others. It looks like Yuuri got two medals at the Grand Prix that year, bronze and gold, but it’s impossible. Victor cannot read the Japanese note underneath the gold one.

“It’s yours,” Yuuri says, and he watches Victor’s reaction.

“Mine?”

“It’s the last medal you got before you retired for good. Lots of people came here just to see it that season.”

Victor extends his hand to touch the medal. He carefully takes it from the display stand and holds it in his hand. He has held a lot of medals in his life but this one feels different. Its weight, its shape, the feeling of the cold metal against his palm, the round edges under his fingers, it wakes tingles in his brain.

For a second he is not in Yutopia anymore. He is standing on the highest step of a podium. The public is cheering. It’s a long ovation. He waves at the crowd and it feels like his heart is about to explode, like it’s not big enough to handle the love he has for all these people who are clapping for him for the last time. There is some bittersweetness to it, but no regret. It almost feels like relief to leave on such a nice victory. It’s a satisfaction for the years that are gone and an eagerness to see what the years to come will bring.

Yuuri is next to him on the podium. His lashes are wet but his smile is wide. He looks incredibly proud.

Then the memory changes in Victor’s mind. In the middle of all this joy, he remembers sadness. Yuuri’s voice in a hotel room in Barcelona.

_ “Let’s end this.” _

It's painful. Victor remembers the heartbreak, deep in his chest when Yuuri told him he didn’t want him as his coach anymore, that he wanted to stop what they had. And then the love, when he understood that Yuuri was doing this for him, to let him skate again because he knew that he wasn’t done with competing yet. 

Now Victor understands why he eventually retired. He is grateful to Yuuri that he was able to retire later, when he was ready for it, and not because he had lost his passion for his sport.

Before Yuuri it felt like there was nothing else in his life but skating. He dreaded the end of his career as the years went by because he didn’t know what to do afterwards, he had no project, no idea, nothing to look forward to. And then Yuuri arrived. He showed him his love on the ice, and everywhere else. Family, travels, projects, suddenly with Yuuri his last podium wasn’t really an end, it was a new beginning. 

Yuuri’s voice takes him out of his memory. “We can bring it back to Russia if you want”, he says as he points at the medal that Victor is clutching in his hand. “My mom asked you if you wanted to leave it here and you said yes, but it was kinda weird to ask…”

Victor shakes his head. “No, it’s nice here.” He couldn’t think of a better place than Hasetsu. “I’m glad people come to see it.”

  
  


On the 25th of December they have a nice family lunch to celebrate Victor’s birthday. Hiroko insists that it is an important date, but for Victor it is almost overwhelming to have a party thrown in his honor. The last fifteen birthdays he remembers were spent in a hotel room between the short program and the free skate of the Russian nationals, and now he has a whole family to celebrate with and he almost doesn’t know how to feel about all this attention. He is slowly coming to terms with being 30 when he thought he was 27, and Mari assures him that he will get over it soon enough. 

They have a great afternoon together, and in the evening Yuuri takes Victor to a small restaurant to spend time with just the two of them as a couple. When the night comes Victor gets ready to go to bed but Yuuri doesn’t come to join him. Victor has gotten used again to falling asleep with Yuuri and now seeing his side of the bed empty makes him upset. 

"Yuuri?" 

Yuuri’s voice comes from the bathroom. "Just a minute!”

"What are you doing?”

"Something.”

Just when Victor is starting to think that there is a problem, Yuuri comes out of the bathroom. He leans against the doorframe in a suggestive way. “I thought we could have a little fun before sleeping tonight?”

Victor has no words to answer. His brain is not responding and this time it's not because he hit his head. It's because Yuuri is wearing black lingerie and the sight of him is not something Victor was ready for. The cut of the lace panties enhance the roundness of his ass and the straps of the garter belt dig slightly into the plump flesh of his thighs. The dark color contrasts against his pale skin. His waist is thin, held in a corset, and the curve of his spine is mesmerizing. But what really catches Victor’s attention is down on the floor. Yuuri is wearing heels so high and pointy they force the arch of his ankles to their limit. It makes his legs go on forever, Victor could look at them all night. He feels his cheeks burn. He has a moment of doubt. He has always had a strange fascination with feet, does Yuuri know about it? 

Victor’s mouth is gaping and Yuuri is happy with the effect he’s had. While he is glad to be intimate again with his husband he can tell that Victor doesn’t exactly remember everything about their habits under the blanket, and it has become quite frustrating for him. Victor doesn’t recall all the little moments, all the pleasure and the fantasies they have shared, all these things that make sex so much greater, when you know and trust each other completely. He had hoped that Victor would remember after a few cuddles but after a while he had decided that Victor’s brain needed a slightly stronger stimulus. 

“Happy birthday Victor,” he says with his best bedroom voice as he walks up to the bed. 

Victor seems briefly concerned. He eyes the paper-thin walls of his bedroom. “You- Your family-”

“Everybody's out for the night, they’re getting ramen and drinks, we have a few hours.”

Yuuri couldn’t thank Mari enough for agreeing to take the rest of the family out to give Victor and him an evening of privacy. He knows she will tease him about it the next morning, but it’s worth it.

Yuuri raises his leg and slides his foot between Victor's knees. The feeling of the high heel grazing his thigh and the tip of the shoe almost touching his groin gets Victor hard quicker than he would ever admit. He has no doubt anymore. Yuuri knows about the foot thing. 

They try to take their time but they are both so eager that they rush foreplay like teenagers and give each other messy love bites while their hands wander south. Soon Yuuri is a wreck in Victor’s arms, moaning and whimpering with each thrust. It doesn’t take long for Victor to get pushed over the edge. Just as he reaches the point of no return, he knows. 

His brain is flooded with memories of erotic scenes of his husband and him, full of horny moments in the bedroom with Yuuri in every imaginable position that his flexibility allows. And then toys, lingerie, accessories, outfits, in a second three years’ worth of a very active and varied couple's life bloom in his thoughts, and it hits him like a spike in his brain right down to his dick.

“Are you ok?” Yuuri asks, slightly worried when Victor looks momentarily out of it after his climax.

Victor is still looking at the ceiling and panting to catch his breath. He recalls the bright red flush on Yuuri’s cheeks when Yuuri told him about the things he liked in the bedroom and the ones he wanted to try. He remembers both of them, getting over their insecurities one night at a time and getting closer to each other with every touch. As their trust in the other grew deeper, every caress felt better and the pleasure they shared was greater. He still cannot believe his luck to be the one to share Yuuri's bed. 

“I’ve never been more ok," Victor replies in a breath. 

All these images in his head give him a whole new stamina. He looks at Yuuri again and Yuuri can see in his eyes that there will be a second round. Victor gently pushes him to make him roll onto his stomach and lifts his hips up as he gets behind him. Yuuri arches his back with contentment. It feels good to have his husband back.

  
  


The mystery of how he ended up at Yutopia in 2016 keeps growing for Victor. The more he learns, the less it makes sense. He doesn't remember talking to Yuuri during the final in Sochi and then they didn't have any interaction until Victor arrived in Japan seemingly out of the blue.

“Did we meet at the European Championship?” Victor asks one day where he is particularly confused.

Yuuri raises an eyebrow. “I know you hit your head pretty hard but Japan is still not in Europe.”

Victor winces. “You didn’t go to the World Championship or any other competition, I don’t understand how I suddenly decided to come to Japan to meet you. We had barely talked before, it seems so random.”

Yuuri is embarrassed to admit it but he knows that he needs to tell Victor what happened.

“When I came back here at the end of the season in 2016,” he says, not without blushing, “I showed Yuuko your program that I had practiced. The triplets made a video, they posted it online and you eventually saw it. That’s what made you come and coach me.”

Victor watches the video of Yuuri skating his program again that night. He is perplexed. Not because he doesn't remember, but because he does remember this video, he remembers watching it in his apartment with Makkachin, but he knows that it's not what made him fly to Japan. He feels like he had already decided to leave even before the video. 

Their last week at Yutopia arrives too fast and Victor starts to wonder if he will ever understand what brought him here in the first place. He wishes they had more time to stay. The atmosphere of the inn, the onsen, the warmth of Yuuri’s family, the privileged access to the rink nearby, everything makes Victor want to stay longer. He starts thinking that they should live here all year round. He knows that he didn’t arrive here by mistake three years ago, something called him. His heart is tight at the thought of leaving even though Hiroko makes him promise to come back at the end of the season for the summer.

A couple of days before their flight home, Yuuri’s family throws a little party to congratulate Yuuri one last time for his victory at the Japanese Nationals and to wish them farewell for their trip back home. There are all of Victor’s favorite foods and drinks. Toshiya and Takeshi keep filling up the glasses and Yuuri has a few too many rounds of sake. Knowing that he is safely at home with his family he doesn't hold back, and indulges in a few more drinks when he is already drunk. Before dessert he is half-naked, stumbling around the table and drinking directly from the bottle. Victor cannot remember having ever seen him this drunk. He had seen him buzzed before, but this is completely different. Just when Victor is about to suggest that he has had enough to drink, Yuuri finishes the bottle, trips on his feet, and falls into Victor’s arms. 

It hits Victor without warning. He remembers Yuuri, drunk, sweaty, half-naked, clinging onto him to stay on his feet. He remembers what a mess he was, red and disheveled, his ugly tie around his head and his pants long lost. He remembers how he smelled of sweat and alcohol and yet he could still smell his shampoo, so sweet and soft under the other scents, as Yuuri hugged him without restraint despite the staring crowd.

_ “Victor, my family runs a hot springs resort, please come.” _

Yuuri's slurred voice at the banquet is clear in Victor’s mind. All the feelings from that final come back to him. He recalls his own doubts, his exhaustion, his worry about his career, this heavy feeling of emptiness that he carried around like a burden and that no medal could lighten. For months already he had been battling loneliness and boredom and every morning he got up wondering if it was still worth it. 

And then that evening, where Yuuri had thrown himself into his arms, undisturbed that he was drunk and not wearing pants and that Victor had barely ever talked to him. Victor had not realized how starved he was, starved for human contact, for touch, for someone who was not a coach or a journalist to talk to him, for someone to talk to him like a human being and not like some kind of unreachable celebrity. Yuuri had been a breath of fresh air, a ray of sunshine in Victor’s stressful and monotonous life. 

_ “Be my coach, Victor!” _

Taking a break from his career, traveling to Japan, training Yuuri, now Victor understands. It’s clearer for him than it has ever been. 

Yuuri is too drunk to realize that Victor just had an epiphany. In fact, he is dozing off on Victor's lap, mumbling drunken words as his body processes the alcohol.

“Victor, is everything alright?”

It’s Mari. She has stopped while she was picking up the plates when she saw that Victor was looking into the void.

Victor nods. He smiles as he slowly takes the empty bottle from Yuuri’s limp hand. “Yeah I’m good.”

That night Victor carries Yuuri upstairs bridal style and gently puts him to bed as Yuuri is far too drunk to do any of this on his own. When Victor pulls the blanket over him he brushes his hair away from his face. "Good night Yuuri. I love you."

Yuuri is asleep, already peacefully snoring on his pillow. He doesn’t realize that it’s the first time Victor says it since the accident. 

Victor stays awake for a long time that night. He remembers the end of the 2016 season perfectly now. 

At first Victor had brushed off Yuuri’s invitation as a drunken accident with a really cute competitor. He had gone to the Russian Nationals without a second thought, but Yuuri had seeded the doubt in his mind. He never actually stopped thinking about what Yuuri had said, and after a while he had started to consider it seriously. He had watched the Four Continents to see if Yuuri would be there, but he wasn’t. Victor had assumed Yuuri was keeping his strength for Worlds. He had looked up the prices for flights to Japan and searched the requirements to travel with Makkachin. Yuuri didn’t appear at Worlds. Victor had checked online and it seemed that Yuuri Katsuki had fallen off the face of the earth after a terrible performance at his National Championship. One article mentioned that he had left his training facility in Detroit to fly back to Japan. And then, just when Victor was starting to think that he should forget about the banquet, the video of Yuuri dancing his program had popped up in his feed, and he had booked his plane ticket within the next minute. A one-way trip.

For the first time in months Victor feels like himself again. Since his accident it always felt like there were two versions of him, the one from before the accident, and his current self, and now they are the same person again.

It feels so good to finally understand. To finally stop doubting all of his life choices and wondering how he became who he is. To finally know that he made the right decisions all along. It's not perfect, he will still have a lot of progress to make, but now he is at peace, and the need to understand that was torturing him since he woke up at the hospital is gone. 

In the morning Victor cannot wait to tell Yuuri all the things he remembered, but Yuuri is much less enthusiastic. His whole body is suffering from a major case of hangover and he cannot move a muscle.

“Good morning sleeping beauty,” Victor coos, and Yuuri barely manages a mumble.

“Don’t speak too loud.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too but please let me sleep.”

Yuuri almost falls back asleep before he realizes what Victor just said. He painfully raises his head from the pillow. “Did you say you loved me?” 

Victor smiles. “I love you. I love you so much.”

Yuuri had been hoping to hear this for months. It is such a small thing, just a few words, but every time he told Victor he loved him and Victor didn’t say it back his heart ached with the fear that Victor would never say it again.

“That night in Sochi-” Victor starts.

“I'm sorry,” Yuuri cuts in, “I know I was drunk and ridiculous, I'm still ashamed-”

“No, it's not that. You don't seem to remember but you talked to me that night.”

“Yeah, I asked you to dance with me, it was really stupid…”

“No, after that. You hugged me and you said I should come to see you at your parents’ onsen, and you asked me to become your coach.”

Yuuri is silent for a moment. He looks slightly concerned. “I was drunk and I told you to come to my parents’ place and you came?”

“Yeah?”

Yuuri laughs and it makes his whole body ache. He buries his head back in his pillow. “I love you.”

It takes Yuuri another couple of hours before he gets up and accepts a cup of tea to soothe his hangover. He is still thinking about what Victor told him earlier.

"You never told me… Why did no one tell me?” he asks at the breakfast table when Victor sits next to him. “I thought you came because of the video...” 

Victor shrugs. “I guess I thought you knew.”

“But why? I was such a mess, why would you listen to what I said?”

“I don't know…” Victor needs a moment to find his words and Yuuri can see a light blush bloom on his face. “I thought you were cute. No one dared to talk to me because I won but you… You hugged me, I didn't remember the last time someone hugged me like that… I- You surprised me. I thought it’d be just another banquet and I couldn’t wait to go home before it even started and then you…” His voice fades as he remembers the evening. When he had reached his hotel room that night, far later than planned, Victor had felt an excitement that he had not felt in years. In decades. He felt like a teenager with a crush. “I didn’t see you at the other competitions,” he resumes, “but I still wanted to see you again.”

Yuuri puts his mug down to hug Victor. “I’m glad you came.”

“I’m glad too.”

  
  


Back in St Petersburg the neurologist is very pleased with the progress that Victor has made while visiting Japan. He encourages Yuuri and Victor to keep up with the efforts and do as many activities as possible to keep Victor's memory active, which they do every time they are out of the rink. Victor is already looking forward to going back to Hasetsu and they plan to travel a lot after the end of the season. 

Victor has ups and downs. Sometimes he goes a full week without even thinking about his condition anymore, and sometimes he is reminded of it painfully. Some days he easily remembers everything and others his mind is just an empty headache. He has check-ups at the hospital and he is always proud to show the progress he has made but he also realizes how far he still is from a full recovery. 

After six months Victor remembers enough that only Yuuri can tell that there are still a few things that have not come back. Yuuri has learned to recognize the moments where Victor doesn’t remember something and doesn’t want to admit it in public, and so he works around it and helps during the conversation or whispers a few pieces of information to him. Yuuri’s painful memories of Victor’s accident and the trouble they had afterward fade a little bit more every day. Victor shows him daily how much he loves him and cares about him, and whatever doubts there might have been left in Yuuri’s heart disappear. 

After a year it’s very rare to find something that Victor doesn’t remember. He is back to his usual self, even when he pretends that he doesn’t remember how to do the dishes or where the laundry basket is. 

When their wedding anniversary arrives Victor remembers it and plans a romantic evening together, only to realize that Yuuri has not paid attention to the date and has completely forgotten that they had something to celebrate.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize it was already today,” Yuuri stammers in embarrassment when Victor shows up with flowers. 

Victor chuckles. “How can you be so forgetful?”

Yuuri kisses him. “Thank you for the flowers, I love you.”

“I love you too. I’m sorry I ever doubted it.”

“I’m glad you found your way back to me.” 

Victor kisses Yuuri back. “Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than expected but sometimes you can't rush things and I was quite busy with real life...
> 
> Thank you very much for reading, I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> I'm on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/dontstopyurinow) and [Tumblr](https://dontstopyurinow.tumblr.com/) where I sometimes post short drabbles.
> 
> -The Sprout
> 
> PS: Stay tuned for more Victuuri this year!


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